May 30, 2012 7:38 pm

Red Flag #34: She runs in place

Red Flag #34: She runs in placeIt’s no secret that men are attracted to women who exercise regularly and take good care of their bodies. And for the most part, the format for achieving the end result doesn’t really matter. Whether you run along a path, walk around your neighborhood, or Dougie your way through the actual hood, if the outcome involves a slimmer, healthier you, we’re probably not going to complain.

This doesn’t mean there aren’t exceptions to the case. Just like women might question the guy who has killer abs but wears a perfectly-matching outfit to the gym, or how they might snjhicker at the dude who likes to jog but will only do so if he is wearing his chest-enhancing heart rate monitor, we have to question the logical reasoning skills of a woman who thinks it’s a good idea to perform the act of running without actually moving forward.

Maybe you jog in place because you get a runners’ high and, like, totally don’t even realize you are moving; maybe you go high-knees at the intersection so that everyone knows you’re dead serious about keeping your 8-minute-mile pace; or maybe you’re just afraid that if your legs stop moving you’ll lose all motivation, peel off into a 7-11, and power shovel a couple pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough before you make it home. Whatever the case, each time you hit a red light, you get a red flag.

Beyond our concern over your presumed obsession with fat burning and the stress involved in dating someone who attempts to cram a workout in to every spare minute of the day, jogging in place makes you look like the Rain Man of running, although in this case the sympathetic, caretaking Tom Cruise is replaced by Zack Galifianakis wearing an “I’m with Ruh-tard” shirt, and the arrow is pointing at you. The very nature of the word run, and the action of running, is contingent upon the action of “going” that implies forward movement. When you run in place, what you’re really doing is nothing whatsoever. It’s like cooking us a meal but forgoing the use of food, or like deciding to have sex with us but deciding we would just soak instead.

Solving this red flag will depend on your original motives. If you’re in the calorie-counting camp, you should realize that running in place is only burning about 7 calories per minute, which certainly isn’t worth the embarrassment or the red flag. If you use a more legitimate excuse, like pointing to the benefits gained from keeping your blood flowing and body moving, why not try a more practical movement that not only increases your blood flow, but ours? The next time you’re at the corner of Reagan and Washington doing your best Roadrunner impersonation (beep beep!), try doing these instead:

What? At least they were designed to be performed while standing in place.

You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • rickg

    Sorry dude, you missed the boat on this one. Pushing your body to keep moving for the duration of a run instead of letting it rest every few minutes burns more calories, is better for cardio, and basically shows you’re committed and willing to push yourself. And it shows you don’t give a fuck if you look a little goofy in public, especially if it means you’re fitter because of it.

    You’ve nailed a lot of these posts, but you’re clearly not a runner.

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