September 6, 2012 3:49 pm

Red Flags: NYC Edition

Red Flags New York

Even the Big Apple can’t avoid a few bad ones.

New York, NY.

Feel free to hate it, but that’s a red flag on you.

You don’t need to love the city, but you have to appreciate what it offers. Which, by the way, is pretty much everything, including jobs (whoa!), an endless array of places to go and things to do, and an energy that is rivaled by less than a handful of cities throughout the world.

As with all cities, however, even the Big Apple has a few bad ones… here’s how they can be identified:

She lives In Murray Hill

Murray Hill is to Manhattan what Seaside is to The Jersey Shore – a massive bruise on an otherwise beautiful being. This red flag is especially bad given the small amount of explanations for her location of choice. In other words, she either requires a doorman building (she’s spoiled); she’s thrilled by the proximity to some of the worst bars in Manhattan (she has terrible taste); or she went to GW (in which case she’s spoiled AND she has terrible taste). Hmm… we’ll go ahead and head to the village to be with some hot girls that aren’t from Long Island.

She refuses to ride the subway after dark

New York City has probably never been safer, and its underground metro system has definitively never been more convenient. Any girl who goes into automatic “cab mode” the minute the sun goes down is living in a state of ridiculous fear. And that’s not to mention all the money she’s wasting by requiring a chauffeur after the clock strikes dark. City-savvy girls with wits about them are hot. Scaredy cats who think only bad people ride the rails at night are not.

NOTE: Double red flag if she doesn’t know which subway to take anyway.  

She wears stilettos… everywhere

Manhattan is not for the too faint of heart or too high of heel. Any girl who insists upon teetering around at 0.5 miles per hour in her five inch Manolo’s obviously has little care for time management (not to mention podiatric health). There is nothing more infuriating than creeping around at a snail’s pace on the arm of some girl who can’t walk without wincing. Yes, a leg looks hot with a little height, but three-inch heels work just fine, and then we don’t have to hear you complain about walking up or down stairs all night long.

She’ll only eat sushi at Nobu

Raw fish should always be consumed at a legitimate establishment, but there are a host of women in the city won’t eat sushi unless it has been prepared by a chef she’s seen on Bravo. Sure, Nobu is delicious, but it’s also overpriced and way too scene-y for the average Thursday night meal. You’ve got to raise an eyebrow (and not in the sexy way) at a woman who throws that kind of requirement down. No sane man would want to feed that $100 sushi habit, especially when there are excellent, cheaper options in every neighborhood. Unless, of course, he wants to have a life of overpaying for things so his girl feels good about herself. Sushi? Nah, smells like divorce.

She says: “The Highline? What’s that?”

Everyone in Manhattan knows about the elevated park system built on the remnants of the old Meatpacking Distract train tracks – that is, everyone worth your time. The Highline is an architectural and urban planning masterpiece that also boasts a gorgeous view of The Hudson River and both the uptown and downtown skylines. You can also buy delicious snacks there or hit up one of the dozen hot restaurants that border the park. A girl who is completely unaware of its existence is obviously not paying proper attention to things like the Internet or other New Yorkers, and changes are that will pose bigger problems down the road.

She had a birthday party at Dorian’s

Unless this is done in pure irony, it’s an immediate flag raiser. Underage vodka cranberry drinkers with Snookie hair populate Dorian’s, and, of course, the 40-year-old creepos who lurk around them on the dance floor. With a soundtrack of ’80s hits mixed with Bon Jovi and daisy duke-clad women slanging selling Jell-o Shots, it’s starting to look a bit too close to a night on the Jersey Shore. If she used to go to Dorian’s, fine. If she still goes to Dorian’s for a good laugh, indulge at your own risk. But if she picks Dorian’s as the spot to celebrate her birth, it’s a massive red flag.

She’s convinced that Wednesday is the best night to go out

So, you like to party, huh? And OMG, totally, the Wednesday night club scene is sooooo much better! Right. Either you don’t have a steady job, you don’t have a steady job that requires any sleep, or you have a steady job that requires you to sleep, but you’re high on cocaine. Either way we’re calling BS on the whole “nobody goes out on the weekends anymore” claim. Think you’re too cool for school?

She hates bagels

There is no greater bagel in the world than a New York City bagel. Any girl who refuses to eat these works of art is committing a major offense against the entire history of this island city. Who doesn’t like doughy goodness in a variety of flavors topped with every smear under the sun?? Girls who are afraid of carbs, that’s who. A bagel a day poses problems of a different variety, but refusing them entirely represents a kind of stubborn will power that we can’t get behind.

So, New Yorkers, have at it. What did we miss?

You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • Robert

    would it be possible to make the worm and apple into a huge flag?

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