June 5, 2012 11:39 am

Red Flags: Houston Edition

Welcome to Houston. Enjoy our highways. They have 16 lanes.

Houston has friendly residents, great Tex-Mex, huge highways and cheap gasoline. Affordable housing and warm weather keep the population booming and there’s no shortage of beautiful women in the Bayou City. But even some of the beautiful women in Houston have their issues, so we’ve decided to lay them out right here…

She’s from Dallas

It may seem strange to start a Houston red flag by referring to a woman from Dallas, but just wait until you meet a girl who moved to Houston from Dallas and you’ll understand. She’s the one wearing heels in the produce section at Randall’s complaining about the lack of selection of organic strawberries. She doesn’t judge a guy based on the quality of his car. She judges him based on the quality of his 2nd car (it should be a low mileage, luxury SUV) and the zip code of his investment properties. She grew up in an affluent Dallas suburb and used all of her parents’ money on high grade heroin, or if she couldn’t stand needles, she just settled for strong doses of youth soccer and Young Life. She claims she moved to Houston for her career (she works the M-A-C counter at Nordstrom), but really she moved here to try and snag a sugar daddy in the oil industry. She thinks Houston is too muggy, poorly planned, and full of illegal aliens and that’s frustrating mostly because it’s going to be hard for us to win that argument. We may not be able to defend Houston against those insults, but we’ll put a red flag sticker on her butt once she turns around and stops bitching about those strawberries.

She owns a house

Houses are cheap enough in Houston to attract a lot of idiots who don’t need them. This includes a ton of single women who thought a teacher’s salary and a Gallery Furniture sectional sofa were the only two prerequisites for home ownership. Renting was just throwing money down the drain, while buying was a foolproof investment that signaled her official entry into adulthood (or so her parents reassured her). Nevermind that she bought a starter house in a neighborhood that wouldn’t impress a home owner in Juarez. And, her yard looks like the downtrodden grassplots where the drug hoppers get their re-ups in The Wire. She’s not looking for a boyfriend, she’s looking for a live-in security guard and free lawn service.

She works at a golf course or a health club

Houston’s golf courses and health clubs are like job placement centers for good-looking women who are otherwise unemployable. These are also places where men make foolish decisions to date women based solely on their appearance. If they looked a little closer, they’d notice why working at a go-nowhere, low-paying job at a primarily male recreation facility is a red flag.

Cart girl. Gateway job.

These women are too bad at math to be waitresses and either too conservative (or too uncoordinated) to be strippers, so they end up driving golf carts and teaching spin classes. Just think, if she had grown up on MLK Drive instead of Memorial Drive she might be hugging the pole at Treasures instead of hugging the turn in a beer cart on the 14th at TPC Woodlands.

She went to the University of Houston

She worked so hard to get good grades and stay out of trouble in high school and then she threw it all away by going to college in a ghetto.  The 5th Ward is where we go to get our purple drank, not where we go to get college diplomas. We know that Rice University was certainly out of the question, but even HCC would have been a better choice.

The wrong kind of cougar.

She wants us to be impressed that U of H is the most diverse college in Texas, but being the most diverse college in Texas is like being the classiest resident of Oklahoma. She brags that she minored in Spanish and we tell her that’s good because that’s who she’ll be competing with for jobs. She disagrees and lets us know that she majored in hospitality services (or something like that) and that she’s well prepared to enter the workforce. At that point we have to agree, as we’re sure her transcript that’s full of courses like Crack Slanging 101 and The Art of Trick Turning  will catch the eye of middle managers everywhere.

She doesn’t know the chorus to Wanna Be A Baller

Houston isn’t exactly a hot bed for rap talent. So when one of H-Town’s finest drops a hit like Wanna Be a Baller, we embrace it to the fullest and demand that 97.9 The Box plays that jam until we’re tired of it (which isn’t until 3 years later). In fact, everybody who was anybody in Houston back in 1999 knew the whole song. To this day, we get a little excited and crunked up when we we hear it on our iPods.

Lil Troy approves this red flag.

We’re not expecting you to love DJ Screw, or get fired up about UGK, or go bananas for Paul Wall, but you have to show some love for a song with lyrics like: “we’re grooving down to Luby’s, watching all the movies, drop the top it’s cotton, and you know I’m in a jacuzzi.”

Red flag exemption granted on this if you arrived in Space City after 2001 or are over 40 years old. Bonus green flag points if you know which part of that lyric is technically incorrect.

She roots for the away team at Astros games

The average female Astros fan shows up in the 2nd inning, leaves in the 7th, cheers only for home runs, and considers her hotdog and Blue Bell ice cream to be the highlight of the evening. But at least…let us repeat…at least she’s rooting for the home team. Now that the Astros have royally sucked for a few years and women can no longer fantasize about Biggio and Bagwell, it’s become en vogue for Houston women to act like they’re fans of other teams. They think they look cool in their Pirates hat or their Kansas City Royals jersey, but quite frankly they’re embarrassing themselves and their city. No, we don’t give a damn if you think the Florida Marlins have cuter uniforms or a better chance of winning the world series. If you were born in Houston, you must support the Stros at Minute Maid Park – or you’ll be leaving the Juice Box with a red flag.

She considers Galveston her go-to beach destination

Galveston is a perfectly acceptable destination for teenage spring breakers and people trying to escape the stench of Pasadena. Renting out a dumpy beach house and then cruising Crystal Beach with a case of beers in the backseat and a beer can on each windshield wiper was a favorite past time of ours, too. But at some point we woke up and realized that, damn, those beaches look shitty, and damn, that water isn’t even close to blue.

Galveston: What's not to love?

BP could’ve dumped their entire load 300 yards from the sea wall and we wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference. As an adult, you realize that Galveston is the beach destination for women who accept mediocrity.

She doesn’t like chips and salsa

Chips and salsa is like crack for Houston’s middle class. Put a bowl of Fritos and a bottle of Pace picante in front of a family of four in Katy and you’d think something really valuable to white people was at the bottom of the chip bowl. Kobayashi would be impressed with the pace at which Houstonians can take chips and salsa to the dome. Which is why we’re always a little put off when we meet a Houston girl who isn’t a big fan of chips and salsa. How did such an integral part of our tex-mex culture completely miss her? Is she a strict calorie counter? Can she not handle spicy foods? Does she really think pita chips and hummus is an adequate substitute? If the answer is yes to any of those, that’s a red flag.

She goes to see the pop music acts at the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo

When you ask a girl who she wants to see at the Houston Rodeo and she says something like Enrique Iglesias or Maroon 5, you know you need to walk away. The Rodeo is about chili cookin’, bull ridin’, calf scramblin’, mutton bustin’, dip spittin’, and boot scootin’. You drink beer, praise God (for blessing Texas), and curse Obama (for ruining it). It’s a country ass event, for country ass people, who like listening to country ass music. You go there to see guys like George Strait, Alan Jackson, Clint Black, Tim McGraw and Jason Aldean.Now where the heck do you think a couple little sissies like Enrique Iglesias and Adam Levine fit on the Rodeo schedule? They don’t.

Mutton bustin' - Too manly for Adam Levine.

But somehow, every year, some group of pansies ends up on the Rodeo docket. Why? Because there are enough dumb women in Houston to buy all the tickets. They fill up Reliant Arena (R.I.P. Astrodome) acting like boy-crazy schoolgirls who got a little too hopped up on Pepsi before the show. We think that instead of holding up goofy neon signs and Bic lighters they should have to spend the evening holding up red flags.

You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • BigTex

    You just showed that you aren’t truly from Texas by saying you’d use FRITOS as your choice chip for salsa… your sources nailed the rest though!

  • 100redflags

    Maybe the Fritos was just us. By sources, you mean my 20 years of growing up there?

  • Shannan Oldham

    The University of Houston is in the Third Ward…I know this from my required Crack Slanging 101 class.

  • jlovoi713

    did you seriously say that houston doesnt have rap talent? this guy isnt from htown…

    • Kerry Lee

      Besides Geto Boys & UGK, who do we have that’s known nationwide? Maybe Chamillionaire? Don’t get me wrong, I like Street Military and Lil’ Keke, but let’s be real, most people outside of Houston haven’t heard of these guys.

      • Dylan Jay

        I have been to small towns all over the U.S. (example – South Park, Colorado) They listen to DJ Screw, Slim Thug, Lil Flip, Ect… And they sip drank (Dont know where the hell they find it though). H-Town’s rap talent is vast… And the best!

  • Iamafa

    So, if the girl isn’t from Houston and goes to the Astros game and roots for the visiting team from her home town, is it a red flag?? Lol. ;P

  • H-Town Born&Raised

    I’d like to compare my paycheck to the guy who wrote this article and then have him talk shit about the University of Houston. Apparently, to this guy, if your college is in a poor area, it doesn’t matter if:
    Chosen as one of the nation’s best colleges for undergraduate education (The Princeton Review, 2011)
    Ranked among 150 institutions nationwide on the list of “Princeton Review Best Value Colleges for 2012.” One of only three universities in Texas included (The Princeton Review, 2012)
    One of only three Carnegie-designated Tier One public research universities in Texas (Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching, 2011)
    Only space architecture graduate program of its kind
    No. 1 entrepreneurship program (The Princeton Review/Entrepreneur magazine, 2010 and 2011)
    Home of the National Center for Airborne Laser Mapping (National Science Foundation)
    No. 4 intellectual property law program (U.S.News & World Report, 2011)
    No. 3 among public universities in Texas for strong science and mathematics programs (National Research Council)
    Nobel Prize, Pulitzer Prize and Tony Award-winning faculty

    Have you ever been to an Astro’s game when they played the Cubs? The MAJORITY of the fans there will be Cubs fans.

    What beach, besides Galveston, is within driving distance of Houston? Yeah, it’s dirty, but really, there are NO other reasonably close options.

    Fritos go in CHILI not SALSA!!!!

    If this guy lives in Houston, he hasn’t lived here long.

    • SECAggie

      aTm > u of h and ill gladly compare paychecks

      • Whoop!

        Lol gig’em 20 bucks says the U of H guys boss is an aggie

  • ASF

    when served with salsa, tostitos>>>>>>>>>>fritos

  • Cherry_Lane

    Awwww, man!!! I hear ya, I feel ya and I usually agree with every word. . . but you just had to go and drop the Oklahoma bomb! Clearly, someone has not met some of the fantastic women of Tulsa. You should schedule a drive-by.

  • a single lady

    The reason I’m still single is very simple. I don’t date, I’m a bit of a misanthrope, and I’m overweight (sometimes). Why waste internet space trying to explain it with an entire blog?!

  • http://www.facebook.com/bigsatto Abdul Ismael Satto

    This is not Houston -__- please re-try again and shut the fuck up. No one likes the Astros here. Texas IS A FOOTBALL STATE and really we all love the Texans you go against them in Houston your retarded ESPECIALLY IF your a COWBOY

  • Mcparker55

    This is a shitty ass sight! UofH is actually a great college and this person is probably neither from Texas or Houston cause we actually all like that stuff. Now get your racist ignorant shit out of here!

  • Toast Cheese

    Houston has rap talent like Galveston has sandy, white beaches. HBU thinks UoH is straight trash.

  • Hotmomo

    She owns a house…? Ever hear of a sugar momma?

  • Rice

    U of H sucks hard

  • redapriltini

    salsa goes with almost all chips… UT!!! everyone here loves football more, but you should always support the home team, i mean, seriously, even if its with little more than an eyeroll… the rest is all pretty accurate and/or totally funny, and i’ve lived here almost 40 years

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