May 2, 2012 1:08 am

Red Flags: Chicago Edition

We’re rolling out red flags in cities all across the nation, and what better place to start than the Windy City? Now, we love Chicago and think it’s one of the greatest cities in the world, but we’d be remiss if we didn’t call attention to some of the red flags of the women who live here.

Without further ado…

She lives in River North

Red Flag: She lives in River NorthAfter growing tired of losing her men to younger Lincoln Park trixies, she packed her bags and signed a lease in an area where upper twenty-somethings can still find love (and yes, she’s actually 33 but she’s not quite ready to accept it, so just play along). Unfortunately, she skipped over the more affordable and more charming Old Town area in favor of the overpriced, d-bag infested, concrete jungle known as River North. She loves the shopping on Michigan Avenue, the champagne at Pops, the sushi at Japonais, and has four maxed out credit cards to show for it. She’s usually shallow and almost always a gold digger who spends her Saturdays jostling for a bar stool at Hub 51, praying she lures a boyfriend who earns at least six figures so she can quit her miserable job as a hair stylist shampoo girl at the salon.

She takes cabs everywhere

The city of Chicago has what we call a “hell no” tax. Every time you get a W-2 tax form, you notice the city takes 10% of your salary and you immediately say “oh, hellllll noooo”. One way to get the city back is to take advantage of it’s relatively affordable and convenient public transportation system (the CTA), which hovers close to bankruptcy due to its low fares, expansive service, and necessary repairs. Unless you’re headed towards a minority neighborhood, which we know you aren’t, you can pretty much find a bus, train, or sidewalk to take you wherever you need to go in Chicago. Cabs are usually faster, but they’re also more expensive, cramped (converted police cruisers, FTW), stressful (2nd only to NYC in terms of maniacal driving), and anti-social (unless you’re into West African politics or soccer). That’s why we get annoyed by a woman who insists on taking cabs everywhere – it indicates that she’s lazy, self-entitled, incapable of planning, and easily bothered by bad weather & strangers. She may also wear heels everywhere which, of course, is also a red flag.

She’s a White Sox fan

Red Flag: She's a White Sox fanCompared to the average Cubs fan, she’s probably less whiny, and she’s definitely more likely to be a legitimate baseball fan. Now, she may not have a college degree or a full set of teeth, but that’s not a problem if you love pit bulls and oxycontin because she just so happens to have both. The left wrist tattoo featuring the name of her fatherless baby daughter can be considered a bonus.

The next guy who takes her on a date to White Castle on his motorcycle will be the next guy who gets to impregnate her. Lucky guy!

Even if a classier female Sox fan exists, we’d rather not have to deal with the deep-seated inferiority complex that she’s developed from being constantly overshadowed by those pesky Cubs fans up north.

She has a garden apartment

If we have to walk downstairs to enter a girl’s apartment, it’s a safe bet we’ll only do it once. We just can’t handle garden apartments. With their low ceilings, tiny doorways, poor ventilation, and lack of daylight they make us feel like claustrophobic vampires. Every time you leave a garden apartment in Chicago, it’s like emerging from solitary confinement as you gasp for fresh air and squint until your eyes adjust to actual sunlight.

About the only thing a garden apartment is good for is nursing hangovers and hiding from the shame of hooking up with the person who lives inside. When a girl is willing to live in a dank, sunless basement in exchange for big closets and cheap rent, there’s no telling what other bad decisions lie ahead.

She lives in the Chicago ‘burbs

No, we don’t think Naperville is “cute.” We think it’s f–king far away and we think people from the suburbs should stop claiming that they live in Chicago. They don’t. Chicagoans pride themselves on the convenience of the city; our bar, our barber, our grocery store, and our gym are always a short walk away. The girls we date are no different. They usually live within a two mile radius from our apartment, have decent jobs, and appreciate the city experience. On the other hand, we assume girls from the burbs have chosen to live fifty miles from civilization because they are broke, have to live close to family (if not already living in mommy and daddy’s basement), and prefer a boring lifestyle where peace, quiet, and “safety” are valued over excitement and adventure.

She has cell phone service from US Cellular

To be clear, US Cellular actually provides decent regional service. So this is not an indictment on a woman’s technological know-how. Instead, it really just makes us wonder whether “regional” defines more than her phone service. Forget about international traveling, does she ever even make it outside of the Midwest? Is she still on a family plan? Will she try and make us split the $800 of roaming charges she incurs after we take her on her first vacation to see an ocean?

She drinks Mai Tais at Wrigley

Red Flag: She drinks Mai Tais at WrigleyShe comes to the world’s largest beer garden, orders a pink cocktail, and gets a red flag. Either she can’t stand the taste of beer, she always needs to be different from the crowd, or she craves attention. Whatever the case, she’s the last person we want to give our extra Cubs ticket to because we know she’ll be an evil combination of sugar buzzed and punch drunk. She’s the type of fan who ignores the action unless the batter is “cute,” demands that we escort her on a potty break even when the Cubs are batting, and manages to stay on her feet just long enough to completely butcher the words to Take Me Out to the Ball Game. After the game, she’ll pass out near the stage in the Cubby Bear and insist we leave her there because her favorite cover band, Mike and Joe, is playing. We’ll wake up to 5 text messages asking “R U still out??!” in 5 different ways, and we’ll be left wondering just what the hell they’re putting in those damn Mai Tais.

She went to Notre Dame

Chicago has become Notre Dame’s unofficial alumni head quarters and it disgusts us. So much so that we’ve already devoted an entire red flag to the Golden Domers.

She doesn’t participate in company sports leagues

Red Flag: She doesn't participate in company sports leaguesChicago is a huge sports town and and it’s not just limited to watching sports, it goes for playing sports too. It’s true that some women may not have an athletic bone in their body, but they’re missing out on the main purpose of these coed sports leagues – to bond with co-workers outside of work, to enjoy Chicago’s amazing parks and beaches, and to celebrate horrible play with enough post game pitchers of light beer and platters of fried food to make even the most hardcore participants realize that it was just a game.

She has been to Excalibur night club more than once

Red Flag: She has been to ExcaliburMaking bad decisions is a really easy thing to do, especially when you don’t have the experience or knowledge of an older, wiser you. Even the majority of the young and foolish manage to steer clear of Excalibur night club, but we understand if a girl found herself there one night. Maybe she was chasing a cute guy. Maybe her friends dragged her. Or maybe she had always dreamed of getting grinded on by three dudes from Schaumburg in a make-believe castle. That’s pretty troubling, but if she decided to do it again, we’re guessing there’s a 99.999% chance she is not “the one”.

She serves chocolate milkshakes at The Wiener’s Circle


Red Flag: She serves chocolate milkshakes at The Wiener's Circle


So, Chicago…what red flags did we miss?


You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • Heybattaswing

    She (or He) is a “Big 10 Transplant” who blogs about Chicago and thinks the city is all about Wrigleyville, the Cubs, and the Weiner Circle. Has never been south of Cermak Road.

    • Ry8881

      Big 12 and nothing good happens south of roosevelt for that matter

  • Guest

    Hardcore haters of Notre Dame football and the school in general. She doesn’t understand the game, she doesn’t understand the school, but her Grandpa’s brother went to Michigan during the depression, and she’ll be damned if anyone thinks she likes the Irish.

  • Bob

    She always wants to go out on North Halsted Street

  • Bob

    She’s a go-go dancer at Enclave

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