Red Flag #39: She carries hand sanitizer in her purse…
“If I masturbate with hand sanitizer, do I have to wash my hands when I’m done?” -Ray Lipowski, Comedy Central stand-up
Guys will eat food that fell on the floor without thinking twice about it. We’ll do this even if we’ve been sitting on the couch fondling our balls for the last hour. If our toothpaste falls into the sink, then we’ll scoop it right back onto the toothbrush – no harm, no foul. We leave the bathroom without washing our hands all the time. (Note: If you ever ask us about this, we’ll never admit it. Girls lie about sex, guys lie about hygiene. Deal with it.)
Men will be damned before we let a few microscopic amoeba scare us into changing our behavior. So you can imagine our disdain for women who take the whole germ thing a little too seriously.
Ladies, it’s OK if you care a little bit more about cleanliness and disease prevention than the average guy. In fact, most men expect their women to have somewhat higher standards of hygiene. As a rule of thumb, you should always have fresher breath, cleaner nail beds, and less sweat-dirt in your belly button.
It’s when you pull the hand sanitizer out of your purse to sterilize our door knob that we start to get freaked out and our minds start racing towards the red flag. After all, we have a lot of freaking door knobs in our apartment. We don’t need a sprits-Nazi following us room to room trying to disinfect everything in sight.
We can’t even imagine how weird things will get when we take you out in public to meet our friends. There’s the first sanitizing squeeze when we walk you out the apartment door, the second when you try to change the station on our car radio (because you don’t like rap music), and the third when you grab the ‘oh-shit’ handle as we take that turn onto Lakeshore Drive a little too quickly (that’ll teach you to touch the radio).
Once we arrive at the destination, you’ll look like an OCD maniac as you hit the “2 spray and 3 rubs” routine after shaking hands with my friends. We’ll have to abort the night out prematurely so that my friends can’t spend all evening busting my balls for bringing out a weirdo.
While long-term dating will most definitely be out of the question at this point, we’d still like to hook up since we took the time to show you the apartment, opened your car door like a gentleman, and introduced you to the “bros”. But, kissing will be out of the question because it transmits mono, blow jobs are a no-go because semen in the eye has been known to cause infections, and you obviously don’t have sex on the first date…so that’s off the table. Instead, all you’ll have to offer is the most germ-free hand job of our life, which we’ll gladly accept because we’re kind of curious what it feels like to be lubed up with Purell.*
*this post brought to you by Purell. Come and get us.
