Red Flag #98: She won’t eat chicken wings…

“Jessica, you want some buffalo wings? ‘Sorry, I don’t eat buffalo’”   ~Jessica Simpson

There are two common excuses used by a woman who won’t eat wings. Either she doesn’t eat meat at all or she won’t eat meat off the bone.

Both are completely unacceptable, but for different reasons. Since we’ll chastise vegetarians in a future post, we’ll spare our words and send a message to women who can’t stomach the idea of eating meat off a bone.

Ladies, if you’re unwilling to eat meat that resides next to a bone – which, by the way, is how it exists in nature – that’s a red flag. You’re lucky your bloodlines were not eliminated by natural selection long ago. The fact that you can so casually deny your primal instincts is bad enough. But you know what’s worse? If you don’t eat wings, we assume you’re hiding at least three more deadly flaws.

First of all, we think you’re overly self-conscious. We know many women don’t eat chicken wings because they’re worried about getting messy or looking funny while eating the wings. And the truth is, yes, you will be covered ear-to-ear with wing sauce and sweat. You’ll also look funny doing it – only a mother could love the faces one makes when biting into a chicken wing and gnawing around the bones. But it’s a small price to pay to eat one of life’s best meals. And if your fear of getting ‘wing-faced’ in public prevents you from taking pleasure in one of life’s great treats, what else will you be too afraid to try for fear of looking silly?

We’ll also assume you’re not a good kisser. Tongue navigation around a chicken wing is the perfect practice to become an expert kisser. Your disdain for bone-in meats has robbed you of this valuable practice. How good of a kisser can you really be?

Finally, we’ll guess that you can’t handle adversity. Most wing nights inevitably end in severe discomfort for the eater. You’ll endure fits of heavy sweating, burning sensations in your cuticles, and painful bowel movements the next morning. We call it “Chicken Little’s Revenge.” You may be making an effort to avoid these uncomfortable experiences, but let’s stop and think about this. If you can’t handle Chicken Little’s Revenge, how are you going to handle 17 hours of labor when we demand you bear our child pain-killer-free in a bath tub in Thailand when we’re backpacking pre-birth to ensure our child is born with dual citizenship?

There are a host of other flaws we could link to your lack of wing-eating, but our point is clear. The next time you’re out at a bar or wing joint, just start with a small order of wings, load up on celery and bleu cheese, and dig in. You will look sexier than you think.

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