Red Flag #96: She’s never seen Braveheart, Gladiator, or ’300′…

If you ever wondered why the last guy you dated kept running around the living room in his boxers yelling “you can take my life, but you’ll never take…my freedom!“ it’s because you were an overbearing cow and he wanted you to stop leaving all your stuff at his house when you slept over.  If you ever wondered how he could make that point so eloquently, it’s because he watched Braveheart three times a week the summerbefore he started 8th grade.  

The story of William Wallace made it very clear to us that freedom was more important than everything else in the world, including one’s life.  It also made it clear that if you’re good with words and skilled with a sword, you’ll eventually get the chance to impregnate your enemy’s wife.Valuable life lessons for a prepubescent teen, indeed.

That was 1995 and we thought we’d have to wait a lifetime to see another warrior tale so epic, so raw. And then Ridley Scott came along and delivered Gladiator in the year 2000. The main character, Maximus, the heroic gladiator, reaffirmed our beliefs in the value of courage, loyalty, discipline, and honor.  He also taught us how to talk dirty to our girls in bed, especially this author, who has more than once made this little pregame speech:

“My name is Kristophus Ryonis Ludakas, Commander of sensational Cunilingus, General of the bedroom Olympics, loyal servant to your true fantasies. Priest to a naughty nun, cop to a freaky felon. And I will have you moaning, in this night or the next.”

‘300’ isn’t quite on the same level as Braveheart and Gladiator, but we wanted three ancient action movies in the title of this post and we needed to attract the “gamer” crowd to our website. So, ‘300’ it is. In this 2006 release, King Leonidas’ abs reminded most dudes that we need to pop into the gym every once in awhile and his speeches reminded us of the importance of starting our day with a good breakfast since you never know when you’ll be eating your dinner in Hell. We have long since given up on the six-pack abs, but we still occasionally yell out King Leonidas’ last words —- “My Queen, My Wife, My Love” —-when we climax, even if we just met you that night. On behalf of all men, we apologize if that’s misleading.

The accomplishments of William Wallace (Braveheart), Maximus Decidus Meridius (Gladiator), and King Leonidas (‘300’)  read like a Chuck Norris lifetime achievement award.And the fact that you have no idea what that means shakes us to the core.

You don’t have to worship these movies, but you need to see them at least once, know the main quotes, and respect the heroes in each film. In return, we’ll grant you one Notebook date night, one Reese Witherspoon movie, and one Patrick Swayze/Dirty Dancing marathon.

Tweet