December 31, 2011 12:18 pm

Red Flag #92: She’s obsessed with chocolate…

Red Flag #92: She's obssessed with chocolateThere’s no better time to talk about this red flag than the holidays, when women everywhere are gorging themselves on green and red M&Ms, festively-foiled Hershey Kisses, and boxes of Stover’s Chocolates bought by men who didn’t know that Godiva would have gotten them laid.

Some of these women will make good on their promise to stop eating so much chocolate once the New Year comes, but other women simply cannot stop.

They are obsessed.

We’re not talking about some school girl crush that comes and goes after she… smells chocolate chip cookies; we’re talking about a crazy, stalkeresque “I’m watching you” obsession where chocolate is on her mind everyday, all the time.  

We’re talking about women who have regularly scheduled chocolate snacking intervals – mocha lattes everyday before work “to wake her up,” an innocent looking chocolate chip granola bar as a “mid-morning energy boost,” a handful of Tootsie Rolls one hour after lunch “to fight off the food coma,” a refrigerated Milky Way when she gets home from work “because work sucked,” and a small bite [1] of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie after dinner “to calm her nerves before bedtime”.

We’re talking about women who have considered snorting the chocolate residue left behind in their Reese’s wrappers. We’re also talking about women who wouldn’t think twice if their doctors offered them a chocolate syrup IV and a Snickers suppository. 

Some of these ladies won’t put anything in their mouths unless there’s chocolate on it. Their boyfriends have to put fondue sets in their bedrooms and dunk their junk in hot fudge just to get some. Even getting these women into bed, to sleep, can be difficult until the guy learns to leave a trail of York Peppermint Patties between the sofa and the night stand (which sounds like a good idea until you’re stuck picking up all those aluminum wrappers the next morning).

We call it an obsession, but it’s really a chocolate addiction. And, they say the first steps to recovery from addiction are admitting you can’t control it and recognizing that a higher power can give you strength. So chocoholics, feel free to do both in our comments. We’ll be your sponsors.

[1] Never actually just one bite. Never actually small.

You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • Chocochick

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOO My mom took (I’m 11 god) my 1/2 lb chocolate hunk of my bunkbed and I just remembered!!!! F-U WEBSITE lol I’m going to start drinking coffee just for chocolate!!!!

    • Seriously???

      11? This is not a website for you… Get Out. as we all know “If your age is on the clock you’re too young for cock”. Why would you be reading a list about why middle age women are single?

    • Seriously???

      And on top of that, no kid should be drinking coffee (or energy drinks) until they have finals in highschool…

  • Colewood820

    I don’t know any woman who isn’t a little obsessed by chocolate… so if this is a red’re in for a long lonely life…jus sayn.

    • SHELLYBELLY052001

      I pretty much love you!

  • bob

    kinda sexy :D ;)

  • Meredith

    Whew. Missed that one. LOL! I love chocolate, but I’m not that obsessed with it. Except for the worst few days of that lovely special lady time each month when I would just KILL for the sent of chocolate. Or if it is a very stressful time…like finals or a bad break up. And those are all understandable reasons to be obsessed with chocolate.
    Although…I may have to take that red flag for one day. I’m going on a cruise and they are supposed to have a chocolate buffet one day…and if they do…I’m going to have some of every thing they offer and probably go back for seconds.

  • Natalie S. Glamourpuss Everett

    I’m not obsessed with chocolate, I just like a little throughout the day to take the edge off. I enjoy it dark, white, with hazelnut (Nutella), w/mint or salted caramel…on the “junk” (it’s not as sticky as honey) and I’ve never had any complaints.

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