We get that your parents wanted to give you a proper upbringing with good morals and a strong conviction to the Lord. What they didn’t realize, however, was that by putting you in such a highly concentrated estrogen-fueled environment with no peen in sight, they might as well have branded you with a tramp stamp to complement your matching loafers and knee-highs.
Remember when your friend Cathy got busted in the 6th grade at recess for… kissing little Bobby behind the jungle gym? Totally acceptable behavior, and critical to the art of proper dating etiquette in the years to come. Unfortunately, while your public school counterparts were carefully honing their seduction skills on the playground, you Catholic school girls were stuck spending those formative years braiding each other’s hair and debating about what color shorts to rock under your jumpers.
We’re not saying it’s your fault – merely that we know when a guy finally did come around, you and your bible thumping besties were more likely to behave like attention deprived dogs in heat rather than a saintly group of Mother Theresas.
So how does this affect you now? In our eyes, this situation usually goes one of two ways: One, you saw the error of your slutty ways, enrolled at Notre Dame and pledged allegiance to re-virginization. Or two, you kept on throwing yourself at everything that moved, possibly dated an athlete and now have one, if not multiple, children by a series of different men. In the off chance that you’re still single, haven’t denounced sex in an adult baptismal service and are looking to land a decent guy, let us offer you some advice.
First, ease the blow by pulling a Britney Spears and letting us know that you might still have that old skirt stuffed in the back of your closet. Assuming that you can still fit into it with minimal pulling, a little fantasy role playing right out of the gate doesn’t hurt.
Second, ditch the Catholic guilt. We didn’t talk much about it here but somehow it always seems to rear its ugly head at the worst possible time. No matter how much of an atheist, agnostic, or holiday Catholic you are these days, years of having the anti-sex message pounded into your head is enough to make anyone question getting down. For our sake and yours, let’s all say it together: “Sex is good. Sex is healthy. Sex is fun. Sex isn’t dirty…until it is…and then it’s a whole new level of fun.”
There now, don’t we all feel better?Tweet