Red Flag #88: She’s run more than one marathon…

“The only sport I absolutely refuse to watch? Marathon running. That looks like a bunch of anorexics in a hurry to get a burger.”  
-Kathleen Madigan

You might have done it to lose weight. You might have done it to raise money for a good cause. Whatever the reason, if you finished your first marathon…congrats! Scratch another line-item off your bucket list.

But listen up. If you ever…and we mean EVER…decide to run that far again, we’ll be waiting at the finish line to wrap you in a big red flag.

But, why?

Maybe it’s because your OCD training habits have you up at 5am so you can run 7 miles before breakfast. That means you WILL wake us up, and worse, you’ll make us feel guilty as if we’re lazy slugs for not running with you. Not to mention, your body will soon resemble a string bean after all the running. You consider that being in shape, we consider that being in denial.

Then there’s marathon day. Parking is a nightmare, the food options are terrible, and some bastard next to us will be ringing a cowbell. All…day…long.  Once the race starts, we have to act like we care…holding a goofy sign and yelling “good job runners!” to 20,000 people we can’t stand…including you.

Seriously, if we were to rank this in our book of “worst ways to spend 5 hours of our life”, it’d be right up there with hanging out with your parents or being subjected to Les Miserables - in French. And god forbid if you don’t come across that finish line. You will hate yourself for quitting and we get to try and talk you out of that self-loathing. Not our idea of a fun morning.

If we caught you in time, running friends, please heed our warning and leave this Type-A cult before it’s too late. For those who’ve already run too far, we suggest you keep running.

Away from us, that is.

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