Red Flag #83: She considers shopping a hobby…

Women who consider shopping a hobby are the same women who watch Real Housewives for dating advice and consider Howie Day to be a music genre [1]. They probably don’t have bad intentions, but their lives lack depth and excitement.

Men understand that women need to shop occasionally. Heck, if our tennis shoes require duct tape at the toes to keep them from looking like old-man sandals, we purchase a new pair of sneakers.  If our jeans are ripped at the crotch and our junk is peaking out, we buy a new pair of pants.  We make need-based purchases like this all the time, and all it requires is a quick trip to a nearby store or a click of the mouse.

We also understand that, occasionally, women are just going to buy something they really want. Even guys like to splurge on something totally random like a Shake Weight or a Magic Bullet every once in awhile.

But when a woman tells us that shopping is just a part of her weekly routine AND she considers it a hobby, we immediately…reach in our pockets to pull out the red flag. And, hopefully we aren’t wearing our newly-purchased hipster skinny jeans with the hard to breach pockets [2], because if the red flag doesn’t come out quickly, we’re going to get deluged with her explanations about why shopping is an acceptable hobby. For example, she’ll tell us:

Shopping is an acceptable hobby because it’s EXERCISE.

There is a big difference between physical activity and exercise [3]. Given your misunderstanding of this distinction, you are probably going to balloon up at some point in the future. #RedFlag.

Don’t worry, I won’t spend all your money. I JUST WINDOW SHOP FOR FUN (OR COMFORT).

That means you’re broke. #RedFlag.

Shopping is a great hobby because it KEEPS THE ECONOMY ROLLING.

At least you’re not broke, but you probably failed economics. #RedFlag.

Now that those rationalizations have been debunked and we’ve hash-tagged the shit out of you, let’s discuss why a shopping hobby is so problematic.

First of all, if shopping is your only hobby it means that you’re not very well-rounded and you could very well be talentless. We realize that not all guys are Renaissance men who can play piano, juggle, and whittle a statue with a log and a pocket knife, but we’re letting you in on a double standard here. Men like their women just like they like their presidents. We want them to be better people than us.

Second, your hobby doesn’t add any value to the relationship.  It’s not like you’re practicing yoga where the hobby helps calm your nerves so you don’t freak out on us all the time. Not to mention, yoga is actually exercise and it helps you lose weight, stay toned, and it keeps you flexible in case we ever want to pretzel bump you. (If you are trying to visualize a pretzel bumping right now, let us know what it looks like, because we just made that up.)

Third, you’ll occasionally want us to go shopping with you. Men have a low tolerance for retail stores and retail workers in general. In the beginning of the relationship, you may never request that we accompany you to the store. But, we know over the long term, as you get more comfortable pushing boundaries, that you’ll start to ask us to come with you and then you’ll get pissed at us when we decline. Not good.

Ultimately, there are so many other hobbies that women can pursue to attract men and keep their boyfriends interested. Yoga has already been mentioned for its mental health and flexibility benefits. Cooking is also a great hobby as good food is one of the quickest ways to a man’s heart. Outdoor sports such as wakeboarding, snowboarding, and beach volleyball are also great hobbies because when a guy sees you doing any of these three sports he automatically thinks you’re hot (not to be confused with sports like softball & basketball where he automatically thinks you’re a lesbian).

So, ladies, if you’re stuck in a rut so deep that you’ve come to the point where shopping is now your only hobby, start to dig yourself out by picking up a few new ones. If your goal is to attract and keep a guy, then make sure the new hobby is active, requires some kind of demonstration of talent, and adds value to his life in some way. Happy hobby hunting.

~100 Red Flags

[1] The author once asked a girl what her favorite music genre was and she responded, “Howie Day.” The author responded by saying, wow, that’s a red flag…and you and I will never collide… duh dooh, dooh, dooh…dooh, duh, dooh dooh. The first part of this story is true.

[2] Yes, I meant breach not reach.

[3] If shopping was actually exercise, there wouldn’t be so many buffaloes roaming the malls of America.

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