Red Flag #80: She dyes her hair two distinct colors…

Girls dye their hair when they’re bored. So it’s hard to judge anything about their character from the first shade of dye they apply (unless they go aggressive with some Katie Perry blue or Rihanna red and then we assume the worst). Luckily, the women that we so desperately want to avoid, do us a huge favor. They start adding more colors to their hair. And just like that, we have the perfect basis for distinguishing between two very different kinds of women.

A girl who sticks to one color of hair dye can be mostly thought of as a normal, conservative woman (missionary only), with a supportive family, and respectable aspirations to climb the corporate ladder. She may have some red flags, but it’s not evident from her hair color.

A woman who goes for 2 distinct colors (or more), on the other hand, is a little weird, has very little desire to please her parents, and much prefers climbing poles (upside down shimmy to the top, firemen descent, then make that booty drop) rather than ladders. And those are her good qualities, which is why dying your hair 2 different colors is #80 on our list of 100 Red Flags.

Dating a girl with 2 colors of hair might be OK if we never had to speak to each other. After all, usually she is pretty hot and gives off the vibe that she’d be awesome in bed. Unfortunately she has Jessica Simpson’s brains, Drew Barrymore’s drawl, and Courtney Love’s potty mouth and thinks these descriptions are compliments. She insists that she’s unpredictable, but really there aren’t many surprises. The tongue ring, hoop earrings, and tramp stamp are there as expected. Her role model is Snooki and her baby’s father is in prison, which she think is kinda hot (except for that whole soap dropping thing, that’s like not hot).  Her hobbies are getting her nails done, tanning, and smoking cigarettes.  She thinks most people are dumb. Excuse us, she thinks most people are f–king dumb. They clearly didn’t as good of a GED as she did.

It doesn’t even matter though, because she doesn’t care what anyone thinks. She’s going to marry someone famous and get her own reality TV show and prove all the haterz wrong.  We can take our red flag and shove it, or better yet, she’ll take it and wear it as a bandana when she’s riding on the back of Kid Rock’s motorcycle.  That’s right, he’s playing a show in town next week and she’s definitely going to find a way into his trailer.

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