Red Flag #77: She works in a mall…

One thing I learned from an embarrassing teenage stint as a Macy’s sales clerk is that women who work in malls are condescending towards customers after they walk away. This probably surprises most people who are used to getting the flattering compliments and friendly advice commonly associated with good customer service.

The truth is, women working in retail are the only group of professionals, other than athletes and actors, who have a superiority complex despite not having a college degree.This is ironic, as the first question they get after disclosing their job title is, “Are you in grad school or something?” Let’s just say there are as many mall workers in grad school as there are strippers in med school.

All mall employees are cause for concern, but the worst are those who look like Black Swans without the eating disorder. They are called cosmeticians and they can be especially arrogant as their position is considered the pinnacle of mall employment.Sometimes, you’ll get lucky and go unnoticed by a cosmetician who’s gossiping with gay dudes who made the same poor career choice. Other times she’ll be impossible to avoid.

Once a cosmetician has you cornered, it’s baffling to see how entitled she feels to the money in your wallet. If you don’t nod approvingly and whip out your credit card, she’ll look at you like you just did a naked moonwalk through the coin fountain.Little does she know, we haven’t listened to one word she’s said.We’re just curious if she’d be down for a quickie in the dressing room.  

Other than the department store cosmenazis, you’ve got the Trust Fund Tabitha’s who work at J. Crew to cure their boredom and get their friends discounts. You’ve also got the Petsmart Pattie’s who see it as a stepping stone to a career at PETA and a great way to meet other lesbians. And you’ve got the Food Court Felicia’s who work at places like Chic-Fil-A because they lost all ambition after being impregnated in 7^th grade.

Regardless of their motivation, the warning signs of mall employment are all the same. She blows money on clothes, makeup, and discounted color jobs at Hair Cuttery.She gains weight non-stop thanks to a diet of Sbarro Pizza, Aunt Anne’s Pretzels, and Cinnabon.And, she suffers from severe depression because her parents are ashamed of her profession.

We’d love to hand out red flags to all mall employees, but we’re afraid they’d wear them as a scarf.

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