Red Flag #74: She wears slutty Halloween costumes…

A girl says “Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I’m dressed this way does not make me a whore!” But ladies, you must understand that is fucking confusing. That would be like me, Dave Chappelle, the comedian, walking down the street in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me, saying, “Oh, thank God. Officer, help us! Come on. They’re over here. Help us!”

“Oh-hoh! Just because I’m dressed this way does not make me a police officer!” See what I mean?

All right, ladies, fine. You are not a whore. But you ARE wearing a whore’s uniform.  ~Dave Chappelle: Killin’ Them Softly (2000)

Some guys get horny just thinking about Halloween. They’ll skip their cousin’s baptisms, sleep through their sister’s dance recitals, and even forget their best friend’s birthday, but they’ll never EVER miss a Halloween party.  They know even the nerdiest of our gender can score on all hallows eve,  it’s almost Weddingesque.

The reason?

Some girls get whore-y just thinking about Halloween. They’ll go to church every Sunday, take Grandma to the park once a week, and never kiss a guy on a first date, but on Halloween they’ll dress like a slut and get Eiffel towered by two dudes dressed like Batman and Robin. They know on Halloween even the skimpiest of outfits and the trashiest of hook ups will be excused, it’s almost Spring Breakesque.

Look, we love Halloween, it’s like getting to go to Carnival in Rio, but without the risk of getting killed in favela crossfire.And we’re hesitant to write anything that could ruin the Halloween experience for guys, but we have sisters and we’ll also probably be “blessed” with daughters some day, so we’ll do the female gender a solid and explain why they need to put that naughty nurse costume back in the drawer.

So why is a slutty Halloween costume a red flag? Well, first of all, because it’s slutty. No guy with any type of self-confidence, ambition, and decent looks is going to get into a long-term-relationship with a chick he thinks is a slut. And even if you are a perfect saint the rest of the year, if you wear the ho’s uniform on Halloween, we’re going to think you’re a ho year-round.

Second of all, you become a target for idiots. You may think your Sexy Cop outfit is a cute homage to the men in blue, but it’s actually a bulls eye for drink spikers, date rapers, and psychopaths who walk around Halloween mumbling, “trick or treat, smell my feet, I hope I find some good whores to beat.” Save yourself the drama and counseling expenses, ladies,  and wear something a little modest.

And, finally there is the walk of shame. If your Skanky Sailor look pays off as expected and you land a one-night stand, you’ll get to join the infamous Post Halloween March of Shame.It’s why 8 am the morning after Halloween is almost as entertaining as 11pm the night of Halloween. You get to see all kinds of make-up smeared women skampering in different directions trying to avoid familiar faces and sunlight.  Some women will be headed to Walgreens for a Plan B consultation, others will be concocting lies to tell their judgmental friends, and some will be hitting the first stages of regret and denial when they realize the “Mustachioed Sombrero Guy” they boinked last night will, in fact, actually transform back into Tom the creepy IT gut at work on Monday morning.

If you’re a rational, risk-versus-reward type gal, then know that the risks of trampish misperceptions, dangerous encounters, and post-tramatic stresses far outweighs the small boost in self-confidence you’ll gain from guys’ endless leering and catcalls on Halloween. Guys if you’re worried that girls will read this blog and stop wearing sexy Halloween costumes, please note that very few women are rational.

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