January 17, 2012 6:51 pm

Red Flag #72: She’s a one-upper…

Red Flag #72: She's a one-upperMost women one-up their friends at some point in time. Usually it happens during a spirited conversation when one girl is talking excitedly about her new Coach purse and then her BFF jumps in with the news that she just splurged on a limited edition Hermes clutch. The one-upper usually apologizes for interrupting, tells her friend to continue, and it usually gets waved off as one of those “no harm, no foul” conversational miscues that happen occasionally amongst friends.

Then you have those women who are constantly one-upping people during conversations. The worst part is they’re usually not even aware that they’re doing something highly annoying.

As guys, we’re used to most of our conversations turning into pissing matches. We’ve been one-upping each other for centuries. Whether it’s the quality of women we’ve dated, the number of zeros in our bank account, or the length of…the 97.5 lb fish we caught with our bare hands in a raging river during an Alaskan blizzard, we’ve been known to one-up each other with an exaggerated story every once in awhile.

It’s when women start to join in on this game that we see a red flag. It’s a red flag mostly because it’s usually not a game to the girl who’s one-upping people during conversations. She’s either seriously trying to impress people or she’s trying to gain their sympathy. Either way, it’s highly embarrassing to any guy who’s considering dating her. So much so that he probably won’t consider dating her for much longer.

Since this is one of those red flags where the offender usually isn’t self-aware (and since guys certainly aren’t going to spend their time on one-upper education and reform), it’s going to take women helping other women to eliminate this red flag.

Ladies, if you’re interested in participating in this feminist movement, here’s how you can help.

First you have to identify that your girl friend has a one-upping problem. You’ll know she’s a one-upper when every conversation starts to feel like a verbal thumb war. Every time you think you’ve got her pinned and she CAN’T. POSSIBLY. TOP. YOU., she’ll slither out with another sneak attack and pin you with her One-Up Death Grip.

Tell her that you just got a new job? That’s great, she just got promoted to VP, sits in a corner office, and gets to drive a Cadillac coupe as her corporate car. You have got to see the sunroof.

Going to San Diego for vacation this summer? OMG that’s so cute. She definitely wants to hear about your trip when she gets back from Tahiti (and by the way, she is soooo NOT excited about the jet lag).

Jazzed about scoring tickets to the Lady Gaga concert? Yeah, totally. Maybe you can meet up after the concert. Just a warning, though, she may be a little late because it is so hard for her to squeeze her way out of the VIP section sometimes.

In our experience, the best way to deal with these women is to just have fun with them. And by fun, we mean, try to re-one-up them with the most outlandish stories you can possible think of.

For example:

-VP? Oh that’s go great. Congrats. You should totally network with all the VPs who’ll be working for me. They’re all so sweet. I’m sure I won’t get to see them enough, being so darn separated from them in my penthouse executive suite and all. I bet that Caddy is sooooo cool! That’s definitely one of the things I’ll miss since I’m sure my driver will never let me get behind the wheel of the Bentley.

-Tahiti, that’s awesome. Ironically, our captain told me that’s the only island I’d still be able to see as our space shuttle left the Earth’s atmosphere and approached the moon. Shuttle flights out of San Diego are so much cheaper than Cape Canaveral these days. I totally know what you mean about jet lag.

-It would be great to meet up after the concert, but I’m not sure how long Stefani[1] will let us hold the limo before we head back to her hotel. It’s always nice to spend a little QT with my bestie.

Throw out enough of these outrageous stories and eventually you’ll subdue the one-upper. Not sure what a one upper looks like? Here’s a great SNL video that shows a one-upper in action.

[1] That’s Lady Gaga’s real first name for those of you not a first name basis with her yet.

You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • Simoneleighhale

    I am a one upper, but I do it because I CAN, I tend to be smarter than the male species. Trust me it ain’t that hard.

    • Timebeforecollapse

      Sucks to be alone with 30 cats right?

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