October 14, 2011 11:39 am

Red Flag #70: She’s never had a one night stand…

Red Flag #70: She's never had a one night stand“I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second, or the fifth. I’ll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.”  ~Chelsea Handler

It’s tough being a woman, sure. From a very young age, you’re supposed to be a princess. A good girl. Your parents love you, not just because you are their creation, but because they’re reminded of their youth and innocence. There’s a tremendous amount of pressure to maintain that innocence as you grow up.

At an early age, you start to develop a rigidity that is a function of your childhood development. But who wouldn’t? After all, you’re tired of the nerds and the jocks getting all up in your shit during Shaggy’s Mr. Boombastic at your 7th grade dance. You’re tired of going to the mall and not being able to shop at 5-7-9 without getting gawked at by every guy that passes you by. Fast forward 10 years and replace Shaggy with Kanye and the mall with the bar, and we understand your propensity for refusing to let those panties drop.

But it’s still a red flag.

Never having a one night stand is like never eating a whole tub of Ben & Jerry’s when you’re pissed or depressed. It’s like never skipping class. Or never yelling at someone when they’re being an idiot. A one night stand represents your ability to give in to your emotions – to express them without regard for what anyone else thinks. It’s your decision. It’s your body. It’s your life.

Every once in a while, in life, you need to say “fuck it”. If we go out with a girl who claims she’s never had a one night stand, there’s a 100% chance that that girl is not embarrassed by that, a 98% chance that she’s proud of it, and a 90% chance that she’s horrible in bed.  What you’re telling us is not “I’m a good, responsible girl”. You’re telling us “I’m a girl who doesn’t have the ability to let my guard down, to live in the moment, and to do something that society has told me is wrong.”

If you’re a girl who falls into this category, live your life, have some fun, and have some amazing, uninhibited sex that you’ll never forget.

You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • n.c.random

    This is just utter trash. Just because a girl has never had a one night stand doesn’t mean a dang thing. It just means she respects herself and her body a little more than most other girls, and won’t let some dog of a man come and disrespect her. Real men like classy women, only boys like hoes.

  • rd

    I’m surprised at the number of people who take these posts seriously. This is farce done very subtly. My husband and I had a mild (very mild) chuckle over a few of them this morning. Do you people really imagine there are guys who rejects potential partners if they fall into even one of the categories: wears hoop earrings, never played a team sport, owns a Vizio TV, never had a one night stand, dated an athlete, or wipes grease off her pizza?

    I mean, first of all *athletes* are clearly into chicks who date athletes, so if you can’t see the joke in that logical contradiction…

    I think the 101st red flag should be not understanding that this site is meant to be a joke.

    • Meredith

      Actually there are guys out there who do reject potential partners for some of the reasons that are on here. I have actually been shot down for some of the “red flags” that are on this list. Like the fact that I ride horses (don’t own one yet, but I am saving for one)…lots of guys are turned off by that. And the fact that I don’t like to give blow jobs…at all. Oh, and one guy refused to continue dating me because he found out I was a virgin…Hello! I was only 17 and not ready for sex. Some guys really are this shallow and want their “perfect” girl.

      But, yeah, I did get a chuckle out of some of the more stupid ones.

  • Patty

    I never had a one night stand and men go crazy for me once they had sex with me, so this one is a BS just like most of your red flags.

  • Anonymous

    “…and a 90% chance that she’s horrible in bed.” I feel sorry for the guy who wrote this. Girls who have such low self-esteem that they would sleep with a stranger are not usually, from what I’ve been told by male friends, good in bed. The same issues that cause them to sleep with strangers also cause them to have intimacy issues, and they often have no idea what they’re doing. In fact, I’ve been told that most easy girls just lay there like a dead fish. So what the author is admitting is that besides having lousy sex with girls who will sleep with anyone, they’ve also had lousy sex with girls who value their bodies and who actually SHOULD know how to please a man. Very, very sad. He needs to quit writing articles until he actually has a rewarding sexual experience with a woman beyond just using her as masturbatory aid…

  • wtf1177

    omg people….ITS A JOKE!!

  • Bad advice

    This is disgusting. I’m in love with my girlfriend. I dont mind her previous relationships but her one night stands kill me. You heard it, it kills me. Just like it does to any man who finally finds true love in this fucked up world. So, shove your advice up your filthy ass.

  • H

    Yawn.

  • Ellen

    RED FLAG: if a man compares sex to eating ice cream he’s a little to unintelligent for a woman!

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