December 5, 2011 12:07 pm

Red Flag #68: She’s an Apple groupie…

Red Flag #68: She's an Apple groupieThey take over the most desirable tables in coffee shops, unloading their carefully packed satchels as if they’re filled with rare artwork. Out comes the Macbook, the iPhone, and the iPad, as they bob their heads to iTunes playing on their iPods.

Apple groupies. All of their tech gadgets match perfectly, were bought without a hint of research, and suggest an arrogance on par with even the most smug Notre Dame grads.

MacBook. iPhone. iPad. iTunes. iPod. iThrowARedFlag.

Strange thing is, I think they’re trying to throw one at me too.  Apple-loving hipsters, don’t even think about re-red flagging me because my iPod doesn’t match my Blackberry phone and Dell laptop. The iPod was a gift, the Blackberry is a free work phone, and the Dell laptop is a hold over from college.

Apple fan girls think Steve Jobs was a visionary, a saint, a god-send, a genius, and that his product ideas changed the world. Some of that may be true. But, he’s also lucky his entire empire didn’t implode while he was off dropping acid and making kiddie cartoons at Pixar. Steve used to cry in work meetings. I haven’t cried since watching the “you complete me” scene in Jerry Maguire back in ‘96.

Most of these Apple groupies believe that buying Apple products makes them seem more liberal, more evolved,and more open-minded, but that doesn’t make sense because Apple is the most racist and deceptive brand I know. Everything they make is one color and meant to trick people into believing design is more important than function. And, their cult followers think they’re more creative than me because they use a Macbook Pro? No one is more creative than me. I am a blogger-slash-entrepreneur hybrid. I am at the pinnacle of modern creativity.

These Apple-loving ladies also feel that Apple really cares more about the customer. Well, I used to have a real corporate job and when I did, we joked that we were the iTunes of customer service. Because, we sucked at customer service. And what about the supposed iEinsteins working at these Genius Bars? Last time I checked, there aren’t many geniuses willing to accept minimum wage and work retail. Nice life.

And while we’re dropping iBombs, let’s not forget that Apple ignores proper naming convention and starts all their product names with a lowercase “i”. Do you know how many times I’ve had to retype the letter ”i” to override the auto-correct tool and accurately represent their brand names in this post?

Look, Apple lovers, it’s not that men won’t date you just because you’re Apple gaga. It’s also because you’ll eventually want us to drive a Prius, wipe with eco-friendly toilet paper, and you’ll want us to think that Radiohead is better than U2.

It’s a jaded hipster life that we’re not yet prepared for. Luckily, your coffee shop table-collage of Apple products warned us before we even said hello.

Editor’s note: If you’re interested in connecting with others who don’t really care for Apple. Check out the hilarious I Hate Apple Facebook page.

You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • Fascinated

    King of Limbs is garbage. Radiohead IS a parody of U2 st their best. I disagree.

  • Andrea L.

    I got a MacBook Pro for college. As I was working with Graphics, I thought it was the best machine. You can’t deny that pictures just look better on an LCD screen. People think that I’m a groupie. They’re wrong. I have a samsung phone. I don’t need an MP3 player. I don’t own any other Apple product, but I constantly get shoved into this stereotype. I always have the Apple-haters doting on my computer choice. It’s just annoying.

  • annie

    obviously you can’t afford apple

  • Stone Evans

    Without question.

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