Red Flag #66: She’s an artist…

There’s something mysterious and alluring about the female artist.

No, nevermind. There’s nothing alluring about that. We just like writing that sentence because when female artists read it they feel proud and vindicated.

Back to reality.

We thought art class in elementary school was fun too, but the fact that you’ve decided to make it a career is a red flag.
 
Why are men so turned off by the artist thing? Well, first, let’s start off with how easy it is to attract an artist. It only takes one line:

“No, I don’t think your art is that bad…it’s just misunderstood.”

That line alone has Don Juan-ed thousands of artists, and we’re guessing you’re one of them. Notice how we didn’t even have to actually compliment you and you’re already swooning. Artists are EASY.

Once we start dating you, we know everything that happens in the relationship will become a subject for your art.
 
Your ‘Perfect Storm’ pastel painting is actually the visual representation of our first fight.
 
Your ‘Collision of Space & Time’ fresco represents our first night of love-making.
 
And your ‘Redwood Discovery’ acrylic portrays the first time you saw our manhood.
 
If we tell you that these paintings are anything other than fantastic, you’ll throw a fit and ask if we’re color blind. Artists are APPROVAL-SEEKERS.
 
They also don’t have a sense of humor. Say, for instance, we suggest that you paint a picture called ‘Blackhole’, which we tell you is the visual representation of your bank account. You’ll try to stick your foot up our “blackhole” and then you’ll invite over your male model friend, Lars, to pose nude in your living room while you paint ‘Redwood Discovery II’ which is exactly the same as ‘Redwood Discovery I’ except it features a noticeably larger tree. Artists are VINDICTIVE.

When we’re three weeks into the relationship and we realize we’ll never actually get to see you covered in body paint, we’ll decide it’s time to break up. To let you down easy, we’ll have to tell you that we’re gay because we’re afraid the truth would upset you too much. You’ve probably already dated several fringe gay guys anyways, so this claim won’t come as a shocker and it won’t send you spiraling off into depression.

Luckily, thanks to the almighty red flag, none of this will ever happen. Rather than go through this whole process, we’ll just have you over one evening to check “artist” off our bucket list (with pastels, of course) and in the morning we’ll expect you to use your artistic talents to do a tracing for us, on our backs, with your fingers…

We love that.

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