June 19, 2012 11:28 am

Red Flag #65: She can’t stop talking about weddings

All women really want to get married. It completes them. It lets the world know that a guy finds them desirable. It gives them stability. It gets them celebrated on a large stage.

Some women have figured out how to hide this burning desire to wed. They publicly declare that they’re not in a rush to get married and that they enjoy the freedom of being single. They act like they’re actually excited if their younger sister gets engaged before they do. When Single Ladies comes on the radio, they dance like epileptic baboons. Guys actually like dating these women because they allow us to live in a fairy tale world where there is no pressure to get married. We get to fool ourselves into thinking that the marriage proposal comes on our own terms, on our own timeline.

Other women, however, just can’t contain themselves. The very topic of weddings just works them into a crazed frenzy. If they see, hear, or think about weddings, they touch themselves (and they want us to know). We don’t really care if a girl uses The Knot to aid her self-touching, but when weddings are the only thing she can think about (and talk about), she’s getting a red flag.

When a girl is constantly chatting about weddings, she’s sending out warning flares that she’s expecting to get married very soon. This is the girl who repeatedly lists out all the weddings she’ll be attending over the summer, placing special emphasis on the weddings that she’s in, describing in detail the bride’s color scheme and the Crate & Barrel serving tray that she’s getting for the “lovely” couple. She makes it abundantly clear that she loves everything about weddings: the food, the pictures, the music, the opportunity to meet hot guys wearing ties, the pictures, the love in the air, and did she mention the pictures?

Her life is incomplete without marriage and she’ll definitely be a Bridezilla some day because she has an impossibly elaborate and expensive vision of a wedding where she looks like Cinderella (but cuter), comes down the aisle riding a Unicorn, gets serenaded by Paul McCartney (Madonna’s playing the reception), and the Pope presides over the ceremony while the in-laws who actually like each other are smiling in the front row.

But isn’t there something missing from this vision? Oh yeah. The guy. She couldn’t care less who he is, as long as he says yes to the dress…and every other absurd request that she’ll have.

Any guy who dates her will be put on the shot clock and if the proposal isn’t out of his mouth by the time her buzzer goes off, she’ll leave him faster and with less remorse than when Lebron left Cleveland. She may not be taking her talents to Miami, but she’ll definitely be moving on to some desperate guy who’s willing to sacrifice his freedom, his bank account, and his dignity for the chance to join the fraternity of men who want to have children in a socially acceptable way.

You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • Christi

    Who doesn’t want to be serenaded by Madonna?

  • Lisa

    Haha… I’m a woman who never wants to marry. Ever. I actually met a guy who apparently seemed to think that ALL women ALL ever truly want is marriage and kids. He kept talking about wanting a wife and family (note we never even actually dated or anything) and just wanted to jump into marriage and have children with me… without actually knowing much about me, or wanting to know me… nor did he seem to care about my opinion on the subject (or any subject) as a matter. Even the bit where I told him that I was dead serious about NEVER wanting children never appeared as a deal breaker to him… Yeah I ran! XD

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