Red Flag #62: She has never smoked pot…

“When I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted…the more pot I could ultimately smoke.” 

 ~ Seth Rogan, “The 40 Year-Old Virgin

Marijuana. Pot. Mary Jane. Weed. Cheeba. Reefer. Green. Ganja. Have you ever stopped to think why there are so many names for cannabis? Do you think there were just a lot of people sitting around getting high and coming up with different names for pot? And why is it called pot? You get baked when smoking pot, and theoretically you could bake something in a pot. Maybe that’s it. I just don’t know, man. 

There are a lot of reasons why you may have just said no to weed, and the first reason could be four letters long: D. A .R. E. Nothing is more effective on the war on drugs than sending a few roid-raging DEA agents to school for 3^rd grade show-and-tell day.

Or maybe your parents never did bong hits in front of you in the living room, because we all know that parents who do drugs have kids that do drugs.

Or maybe you were exposed to a televised anti-drug campaign that featured a kitchen demonstration of an egg cooking in a frying pan. The raw egg was your brain. The egg cooking in the frying pan represented your brain on drugs. This egg and pan demonstration made potheads everywhere salivate, while some of us became so scared that every time we saw someone else do drugs, we imagined Rachel Ray whisking their brains into one of her magical frittatas.

If our government’s smear campaign didn’t stop you from smoking weed, maybe you heard that smoking hurts your throat, or that weed gives you the munchies and makes you fat, or that smoking weed means you’ll go to hell.

Whatever your excuses, there’s not one that can justify why you would never, at least try weed once.

Making it to your twenties or thirties without having ever taken a hit is like saying you’ve never eaten at McDonald’s. We may be high, but stay with us on this one. Everyone at some point in their life has passed through the golden arches. It’s inevitable. There are better places to eat, sure. If you don’t want to eat there, that’s 100% acceptable. At some point, though, you find yourself in the middle of the barren lands of Oklahoma at the only rest stop within 200 miles, and it’s Mickey D’s or starve. You can always get a chicken sandwich. You can even hate it and vow to never have it again. But to flat out refuse it? 

For those who choose to avoid this pivotal modern experience (we’re talking about smoking, now) it’s clear that you’ve established a weird rigid rule-making mechanism that will ultimately manifest itself in giving us the stink eye when we open a bottle of beer. Or drive over the speed limit.  Or use the “f” word. Life will suck.

It also means you’ve never really exercised. Have you ever tried to move when high? It’s one of the toughest things known to man, and you’re obviously lazy if you have never tried this. And what about the act of puff, puff, pass? Or passing the dutchie to the left? It’s a sport that everyone should try, and we’re not sure if you’ll be able to properly carry our baby if you’ve never been through the intensive training of your typical smoking session.

We don’t want to belabor the issue, though, because we know you’ll never be able to see life on the same level as us. You’ll look at us as we watch South Park and wonder why we’re watching silly cartoons. You’ll hear the music we’re listening to and be unable to recognize that there are different instruments that complement each other perfectly, and the singer’s voice is one of those instruments. You also won’t appreciate the feeling of pure joy that one feels when he hears the sweet sound of the doorbell knowing that there’s a large, greasy, and ready to devour Domino’s pizza waiting on the other side.

For many red flags, there are many different solutions that we could suggest, but for this, there’s only one.

Just say yes.

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