October 21, 2011 3:59 pm

Red Flag #62: She has never smoked pot…

Red Flag #62: She has never smoked pot“When I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted…the more pot I could ultimately smoke.” 

 Seth Rogan, “The 40 Year-Old Virgin

Marijuana. Pot. Mary Jane. Weed. Cheeba. Reefer. Green. Ganja. Have you ever stopped to think why there are so many names for cannabis? Do you think there were just a lot of people sitting around getting high and coming up with different names for pot? And why is it called pot? You get baked when smoking pot, and theoretically you could bake something in a pot. Maybe that’s it. I just don’t know, man. 

There are a lot of reasons why you may have just said no to weed, and the first reason could be four letters long: D. A .R. E. Nothing is more effective on the war on drugs than sending a few roid-raging DEA agents to school for 3rd grade show-and-tell day.

Or maybe your parents never did bong hits in front of you in the living room, because we all know that parents who do drugs have kids that do drugs.

Or maybe you were exposed to a televised anti-drug campaign that featured a kitchen demonstration of an egg cooking in a frying pan. The raw egg was your brain. The egg cooking in the frying pan represented your brain on drugs. This egg and pan demonstration made potheads everywhere salivate, while some of us became so scared that every time we saw someone else do drugs, we imagined Rachel Ray whisking their brains into one of her magical frittatas.

If our government’s smear campaign didn’t stop you from smoking weed, maybe you heard that smoking hurts your throat, or that weed gives you the munchies and makes you fat, or that smoking weed means you’ll go to hell.

Whatever your excuses, there’s not one that can justify why you would never, at least try weed once.

Making it to your twenties or thirties without having ever taken a hit is like saying you’ve never eaten at McDonald’s. We may be high, but stay with us on this one. Everyone at some point in their life has passed through the golden arches. It’s inevitable. There are better places to eat, sure. If you don’t want to eat there, that’s 100% acceptable. At some point, though, you find yourself in the middle of the barren lands of Oklahoma at the only rest stop within 200 miles, and it’s Mickey D’s or starve. You can always get a chicken sandwich. You can even hate it and vow to never have it again. But to flat out refuse it? 

For those who choose to avoid this pivotal modern experience (we’re talking about smoking, now) it’s clear that you’ve established a weird rigid rule-making mechanism that will ultimately manifest itself in giving us the stink eye when we open a bottle of beer. Or drive over the speed limit.  Or use the “f” word. Life will suck.

It also means you’ve never really exercised. Have you ever tried to move when high? It’s one of the toughest things known to man, and you’re obviously lazy if you have never tried this. And what about the act of puff, puff, pass? Or passing the dutchie to the left? It’s a sport that everyone should try, and we’re not sure if you’ll be able to properly carry our baby if you’ve never been through the intensive training of your typical smoking session.

We don’t want to belabor the issue, though, because we know you’ll never be able to see life on the same level as us. You’ll look at us as we watch South Park and wonder why we’re watching silly cartoons. You’ll hear the music we’re listening to and be unable to recognize that there are different instruments that complement each other perfectly, and the singer’s voice is one of those instruments. You also won’t appreciate the feeling of pure joy that one feels when he hears the sweet sound of the doorbell knowing that there’s a large, greasy, and ready to devour Domino’s pizza waiting on the other side.

For many red flags, there are many different solutions that we could suggest, but for this, there’s only one.

Just say yes.

You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • Abby

    I’m sorry that your girlfriends were prissy little bitches. :-(
    But I’m someone who will never try any drugs, and I don’t come across as ‘prissy’ or a ‘bitch’. I’m not stuck up, and I really don’t care if other people try things, or decide to do something I don’t agree with. it’s their choice right?

    If I don’t give someone crap for doing/trying out drugs, why should i get crap for not doing them? We should all just stop worrying about what other people are doing/not doing. :-)

  • Nicole

    Uhm, I’ve never smoked ( and never will.) but I drink, speed, watch south park, etc. Just because you don’t smoke pot does not mean you’re stuck up.

  • Nick

    I’ve been browsing through the red flags, and this is one i really don’t agree with. Not only is smoking pot one of the biggest regrets I’ve ever had to deal with in my life (paranoid schizophrenia + marijuana = worst paranoia I’ve ever experienced ever), but if I have to date someone who does smoke it regularly, then what if -I’m- the one who gets in trouble for her wrong choices? What if the police come in to my apartment for something and she left her stash out? What if she’s a closet rasta and gets on my case for not constantly being down with 420?

    This flag is one of the flags that really is idiotic. Weed isn’t one of the things that I would personally require a girl to try at least once.

  • grow up

    this is such bullshit. I have never smoked it and I never will. I am hoping that my boyfriend/fiance will quit when we have kids because the cops in our towns have narcs all over so I rather not have him in jail. That’s the ONLY reason i have a problem with weed. too damn illegal. I don’t care if he smokes it. I speed, i watch dirty films, i curse and I also drink on a rare occasion. you morons really need to grow up.

  • DJ_G11_SMITH

    If you dont agree with this you are in Denial. Tsaying you wont ever smoke pot is like saying you will wait till you are married before sex. Trust me when I say pot isnt as bad as everyone portrays it. -Alex Daigle

  • DJ_G11_SMITH

    Why would you have an oppinion on something you’ve never done? That is like saying a ferrari is slower than a lambo without driving both

    • Sam

      Statistics, idiot. You don’t need to try everything out in order to know how it works, what it does, what it’s effects are, etc. People can tell you that based on their experiences. Just cause you’ve never done something doesn’t mean u don’t know shit about it!

  • guest

    how are you gonna complain about a pot reg flag but have the user name space ship guy? and since when is it cute to leave a bra? only good reason to leave it behind is getting to stoned and forgetting about it.

  • guest

    I think the main point is that it’s just weird that there are people who have NEVER, not even once tried it. It’s just like people who are 30 years old and have never smoked a cigarette, except even weirder because pot is awesome and doesn’t kill you.

  • sprezzatura15

    What’s up with the bad feelings about making rules for living your life? As long as you’ve made the rule for yourself and not just because someone else pushed you into it, then I don’t see why rules=crazy. Also, I noticed this ENTIRE WEBSITE is about making rules and judgements about people… I smell hypocritical shenanigans…

  • Listen Ladies

    Unwad your panties. This is exactly why you got a flag for this one. You are uptight and you are not open to new experiences (something that bodes poorly in other areas as well). Saying “Eh, I tried it but it really wasn’t for me” is perfectly acceptable and not red flag worthy. Saying “Any smell I don’t like pisses me off” or “You need to grow up” makes you a self-centered un-datable pain in the ass. Pot is totally tame and harmless. The fact that you discount it without even trying ONCE, means that you are the neurotic rule-following, nose-in-the-air type and no guy wants that. Go gripe to your bible study group and stay off the comments section.

  • Red Flag Upheld

    This is spot on! What kind of person could live their whole life and never be curious enough to try something so obviously harmless (not to mention fun)? We have all known one. Remember that friend that never ever drank or smoked pot even once? They just sat around with that unamused look on their face while everyone else had fun. They claimed that they just didn’t “need” to, but really they just enjoyed the feeling of self-righteousness they got from refraining from something that the crowd was doing. Sort of like hipsters but way more lame (if that’s possible). I declare this red flag legitimate!

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