Red Flag #59: She was homeschooled…

Homeschool- “If you know someone with a matter-of-fact attitude who regularly makes awkward jokes, exhibits hyper-White characteristics, or simply possesses a number of less-than-desirable eccentricities, this is likely the agency to blame.” -UrbanDictionary.com

Homeschooling gets a bad rap. It’s a constant target for comedians, politicians, and social workers alike. So let’s be contrary and examine the good things about getting your education in the same place you eat, sleep, and shower.

First, you saved us tax dollars. We didn’t have to buy you a desk, chair, or textbooks.

You also got to spend more quality time with your parents than most kids. And because of the individualized instruction, you probably got better than average standardized test scores, making a college scholarship more likely. You also didn’t have to deal with common public schools problems like attending overcrowded classes or having your lunch money stolen by bullies.

So then, why are we raising that red flag over your schoolhouse…which is actually a real house?

While we appreciate that you didn’t have much say over your educational path, the choice that your parents made to have you homeschooled is clearly not normal, and it’s likely that you’ve inherited some not-so-normal characteristics yourself. Simply put, you might be crazy.

Chances are your parents wanted to protect you from the negative effects of the outside world. God knows what exposing you to Jimmy from the poor part of town would do to your religious beliefs! They were sure that seeing the cheerleading squad would turn you into a lesbian, chemistry class would be the gateway to a crystal meth addiction, and the goth kids in music class would lead you to start listening to Nine Inch Nails and make you shop at Hot Topic. No doubt, they force-fed you their own extreme views 24/7; that is, when you weren’t trapped inside your bedroom because they nailed the door shut.

This seclusion has an even deeper effect as you didn’t have to navigate the intricate caste system separating cool kids, dorks, jocks, druggies, band members, and that weird kid in your homeroom named Elliot who refuses to bathe and constantly picks his nose with his #2 pencil. You don’t understand how cafeteria mashed potatoes can taste so delicious and at the same time be used to cement bricks together. You never tried to skip class (your mom could easily find you hiding in the closet) and the only school dance you attended was when your pet hamster somehow got into your little brother’s shorts and sent him into the most awesome performance of the Boogaloo ever.

The outside world is a scary place. It’s messy, complex, threatening and full of temptations to do bad things. But most of us gain exposure to this at an early age, and it’s a big part of our social development. Without this experience you’re much more likely to have a difficult time adjusting to life in the real world. Your interpersonal skills will suffer and you’ll have trouble connecting with friendly neighbors, negotiating with asshole bosses, and even small talking the guy that bags your groceries that you still can’t bear to look in the eye.

In hindsight, it’s probably good that you bonded so closely with your parents during your school years because you’re going to need them to bail you out of awkward social situations for the rest of your life.

We certainly won’t be around.

Editor’s Note: It’s unlikely that homeschool-ees visit websites with curse words, but if one of you accidentally arrived here…let us know about your first-hand experience. Like, was homeschool recess longer than the 30-minute real school recess? Did Mom & Dad teach you sex ed class by in-home demonstration? And you public school heathens…let us know your thoughts. That is, if you can write.

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