Red Flag #53: She plans her own birthday parties…

Birthdays are cool. People buy you shit, you get to eat cake, and you receive an automatic get out of jail free card that allows you to get drunk with few repercussions. But planning your own birthday party? Let’s break down what this means by analyzing a birthday party invite we received this summer.

Before the number-by-number breakdown, please know this: if you plan your own birthday parties, there’s a good chance you will be single forever.

You need to get off your ass and find a few friends who are worth a damn. Planning your own birthday party is pathetic. Do you really not have one close friend who can help you organize a party? If you can’t find a friend who likes you enough to help you plan a party, what makes you think you’ll be able to find a man?

OK. Now that we’ve had a chance to vent, here’s a look at all the issues with this ridiculous birthday party invite:

1. The email sender is still rocking AOL. What a joke.

2. The subject line contains a full sentence of gibberish, capped off with an emoticon.

3. The invite wasn’t just sent to 5 close friends. It was sent to a list of over 20 people, some of which probably only see her once or twice a year through mutual friends.

4. Dirty 30? Have some god damn imagination.

5. Use of ‘lol’. If you’re going to use junior high level netspeak, at least capitalize it properly.

6. This is an email, not a text message. Totally unacceptable.

7. A SNOOP DOGG CONCERT? I mean, if this was 1995 when Snoop was a legitimate hard-core rapper and the entire west coast was banging “Gin and Juice” in their tricked-out Impalas, we could probably go along with this boondoggle. But a modern-day Snoop concert is more watered down than Bourbon Street circa 2005.

8. Oh, so you mean I can go to your awesome party for only $60? Fuck you.

9. Wait!?! There’s more?!? We can ALSO celebrate your birthday on Saturday AND Sunday?!? OMG!!!!!!! Totes awesome!!!!!!!

10.  Let’s see you planned a pre-drinking party in a penthouse, a Snoop Dogg concert, a street festival for two days following your birthday, and you even suggested two bands we could see at the street festival and you didn’t put much thought into this?

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