April 23, 2012 5:56 pm

Red Flag #5: She has bangs…

Zooey Deschanel has bangs which is a red flag. Luckily she is a hot actress.Some of you may think we’re crazy for questioning women based solely on their hairstyle, but look no further than the mullet for proof that a hairstyle can be an accurate indicator of one’s personality traits. If we wrote a red flag that predicted a mullet-headed male was an ammo-crazy, backwoods dwelling, cousin lover with an obsession with NASCAR and chewing tobacco, we probably wouldn’t be questioned. Sometimes a person defines a look, other times the look defines the person.

We’ve been told that bangs are all about utility, providing a style that’s relatively easy to manage compared to the frizzy, flyaway mess some women have to deal with. We’ve heard that they offer a more controlled, polished look for work and going out. We’ve also noticed that they are useful in other ways, like protecting against the sun, creating a cool look when paired with a hat, and even making women seem more expressive by focusing attention on their eyes. Unfortunately, men aren’t aware of these things. We just think they look ridiculous and that the woman wearing them is trying way too hard to copy something she saw on the pages of US Weekly.

To understand the stigma around bangs, it’s important to realize that our memories of bangs go back to junior high when girls wore them to cover up acne breakouts. Even though we thought the poofy hair on their foreheads looked a tad foolish, we never talked about it because we felt hypocritical trying to hide our own embarrassing features. Making fun of bangs would have immediately opened up the floodgates to questions about why our voices changed from baritone to soprano every time we spoke in third period English, or why it was physically impossible to get through an entire slow dance without pitching a tent in our Dockers. By the time we had the confidence to talk to women about the kinds of hairstyles we found attractive, puberty had passed us by, taking the bangs look, the pimples, and (most of) the untimely erections with it.

Recently the bangs look has regained popularity and Zooey Deschanel clones have started popping up at every street corner and sports bar, all desperately hoping to convey that they’re trendy, Indie, Bohemian, special little snowflakes. They could have gotten that look by spending fourteen dollars on faux frames at a drug store; instead they spent eighty bucks on a haircut that’s great for an ’80s party, but horrible for getting laid.

You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • Saywhat?

    Seems like all the ladies with bangs in the media are getting laid, I’d say minor red flag, if any.

  • Guest

    dude, based on this website it doesn’t seem like I can date ANYONE.

  • Reyntri

    I have bangs. Had them my whole life, because I have a high forehead I don’t feel like showing to the world. I’ve also been married for 12 years, to a guy I’ve been with for 15. Get back to me with hairstyle advice when you can say the same.

    • Not A Single Lady

      Me too…I have a freakish widows peak (very fair-skinned with dark hair, too many Dracula jokes gave me forehead phobia for life). Married for 19 yrs. And yes, I was an 80s teenager so I side-sweep them to try not to date myself but sometimes a hairstyle needs to be dictated by the individual face, characteristics or hair type. Minor red-flag.

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