Red Flag #47: She owns a horse…

“A woman needs two animals. The horse of her dreams and a jackass to pay for it.”  -Author Unknown

We know most girls become fascinated with horses at one point or another while growing up. It’s part of the fairy tale, and the thought of riding your own elegant horse next to your Prince Charming is like fulfilling a lifelong dream.

We also know that horses are faithful companions. They communicate their intentions better with their ears than most men do with our mouths. Not to mention, they never complain about how much you weigh when you want a piggyback ride. And, unlike you, they only need one pair of shoes for their entire existence.

So why should we quibble about your equine ownership – and officially throw a red flag on this play?

Let’s face it - a horse ends up having a lot more impact on your life than a normal household pet. To begin with, there’s no way that thing will ever actually be in your household; unlike a dog or cat, this animal is not sleeping in your laundry room in your apartment – if fact you probably have to travel to see your pet. That’s just nuts. Not to mention, the 2,000-pound beast is super expensive to feed and care for. Bye, bye house in the hills, hello outrageous veterinary bills.

And if the astronomical expenses don’t scare us off – then your attitude surely will. Because, let’s be honest, if you’ve had this horse since you were a little girl…you are spoiled. When you were eight, you probably kicked and screamed for a week until your mommy and daddy delivered. And once that bratty behavior got rewarded, it was seared into your subconscious forever.  So even though you may be acting like the nicest, most easy-going gal in the world, we know that lurking underneath is a monster that will chew us out the first time we don’t fulfill your precious demands.

Even if we can deal with your bratty attitude, there is one more aspect of horse ownership that we can’t deal with. Death.

Sadly, there will come a time when your horse is ready to head home to that big pasture in the sky. And when that steed rides off into the final sunset, you’re going to be devastated for weeks…maybe months. We’ve seen Marley and Me. We know how it ends.  The worst thing is we won’t be able to console you the way our parents did when our pets died – by blatantly lying to you that the horse ran away. Instead we’ll have to be the one to explain why it’s necessary that the carcass be hauled off to a rendering plan to be turned into Elmers glue sticks and leather wallets.

Fortunately, we’re all about living happily ever after. That’s why we recommend you move to a place where good horses never die. That’s right, TEXAS. Friday night football, Saturday night gay-bashing, and Sunday afternoon horseback riding. All dogs go to heaven, all horses trot off to Texas. Take Black Beauty to Texas and she’ll be in good hands. In fact, men in Texas will not only be okay with your horse, they’ll have dinner with it and maybe even take it to a movie.

Your only real problem now is that you’ve got some competition on your hands.

Yeehaw!

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