July 3, 2012 7:12 pm

Red Flag #46: She’s a self-described foodie

Red Flag FoodieGuys don’t care whether a woman really appreciates good food, we just care about whether or not she can make it.

It’s fine if she understands the difference between beefsteak and heirloom tomatoes, can taste the earthy notes in a truffle, and is awed by how texture differs in mashed versus pureed potatoes. So long as she keeps these things to herself and realizes no one is impressed, there will never be a problem.

The moment she has the gumption to open her mouth and say, “Oh yeah, I’m a total foodie,” she goes from girl who likes to eat food to weird girl who may experience a foodgasm while eating a bread stick. Not only do we have to worry about her convulsing and hyperventilating at the dinner table, but we also have to remind her that it was just a freaking bread stick.

A “foodie” annoys us because she’s totally obsessed with food and also because she felt the need to anoint herself with a title. It implies that she’s more refined, more cultured, and has a deeper appreciation of food than everyone else. Saying, “I’m a foodie” suggests that other people aren’t. It’s like a guy walking around claiming he’s a total “headie” because he loves getting blowjobs, as if other men consider oral sex to be a major inconvenience. Listen, we all love good food (and blow jobs). It’s not just you. We just don’t consider eating food a hobby worth mentioning.

There’s also the concern that the phrase, “I’m a foodie” will translate to, “I’m a fat ass,” in just a few years. After all, you’ll consider it your duty to check out every Zagat rated restaurant in town and you won’t exactly be ordering from their guiltless grill menus. With all the nights you spend socializing over seven course meals, cooing over dessert soufflets, and Yelping your opinions to other internet experts, there will be lots of time to pack on calories and very little time to work them off. Just what every guy wants, a girl with expensive taste and an ever expanding waistline.

So continue to tell us about how you fantasize about ingredients, eat at the most highly regarded restaurants, and shovel gourmet meals down your throat until you’re burping bouillabaise, just don’t be surprised when the only thing sitting across from you at the dinner table is a big red napkin in a perfect parasol fold.

You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • Justoneciggie

    I’m a headie…lol

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