September 27, 2011 11:30 pm

Red Flag #45: She went to Notre Dame…

Red Flag #45: She went to Notre Dame“College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend tens of thousands of dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?” -David Wood

Do you remember raiding your parents’ liquor cabinet in high school and having to refill the bottles with a little water so they didn’t notice? Ever have to lie and say you were going to the movies on Saturday night when you were actually going to a raging 5-kegger in the middle of the woods? What about having to finish date night in a dimly-lit corner of the Denny’s parking lot just to get enough privacy for a make-out session and possible trip to third base?

Well, we remember. These are the unpleasant experiences that sent most of us in search of colleges with lenient rules.

Then, there’s Notre Dame grads – a group of individuals who said to themselves “I really want to go to college so long as men and women are housed in different buildings, my football team underachieves, the weather is terrible, and all students graduate with a degree in smugness”.

When guys decide to go to Notre Dame, it’s a bad decision. When women decide to go, it’s a red flag…

When we meet a girl that says “I went to Notre Dame” we hear “I am a boring, conservative, Catholic who views sex solely as a means of procreating; anything fun I experience will be offset by extreme feelings of guilt.”

Our perceptions are even worse if we don’t meet in person because we start to make assumptions about appearance. If men were to construct a Notre Dame Barbie, here’s how she’d look: frizzy, unkempt hair, pale complexion, freckles – wearing a football jersey and poorly fitting jeans that simply weren’t made to battle muffin tops. Underneath her clothes she’s wearing a cream-colored sports bra and rocking a pair of light blue granny panties that are just big enough to hide the fact that she hasn’t trimmed the hedges since last semester.

Even if you are a decent ND grad, you’re going to be screwed by perception. Why? Well, at Notre Dame even average-looking girls get treated like royalty by guys. This pampering inflates your ego beyond recognition and makes you think you’re hotter than you actually are. Therefore, when we meet a decent-looking Notre Dame girl, we assume she’s going to be high maintenance and have a “holier than thou” attitude that she should have left at the feet of Touchdown Jesus.

So, ladies of Notre Dame – how do you overcome your dating problems caused by your Notre Dame degree?

First – get another degree. We don’t care if you pursue a PhD at MIT or a second undergrad degree in Humanities from the University of Phoenix Online. Just get something that allows you to respond to the question of “where’d you go to school?” with an answer other than Notre Dame.

Second – let your love for another sports team supersede your love for your alma mater. Pro football, hockey, cricket. It doesn’t matter. This at least will give us the impression that you’re not “one of those”. That is, “one of those Notre Dame fans that people can’t stand”. We cringe at the thought of having to sit at a bar with you and see you go crazy for that team. We can’t handle hearing you on the defensive, telling everyone why you deserved that huge contract with NBC that gives all of us the pleasure of watching your second-rate football team every Saturday.

If all else fails, you still have one option. And lucky for you, it’s been scientifically proven to melt men’s hearts. It’s called the Rudy Card. His inspirational story of overcoming all odds to achieve his dream of playing college football tugs at every guy’s heart strings and it’s nearly impossible for us to not identify with his story.

Rudy Ruettiger is famous for proving people wrong. Maybe you will too.

You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • FratOnSir

    i think this is hilarious, sir. people that go to ND are clearly insane, as demonstrated by the comments. plus it’s an independant with no Greek system. geeds. keep it up, my friend, you’re brilliant.

  • Brandon5892

    Are you an ND grad?

  • guest

    dude it just sounds like you’re bitter about not getting into Notre Dame….spend some time there and you’ll realize it’s not like that at all.

  • Susan Geissler

    I am a Domer, so I suppose I should be offended by this but instead I laughed. However I don’t recall most of us looking much like the frizzy haired disastrous “Notre Dame Barbie” you describe. Aside from a moderately pale complexion I lack all defining characteristics, including being Catholic (*GASP*). Maybe this is why in Texas, where I now reside, I have been so successful at sneaking under the radar. They expect me to fall under the “She’s From Texas” red flag and figure I didn’t even attend an accredited institution except cosmetology school. Pardon me, I’m going to head off to ride my horse home from that killer job I have thanks to that pretty damn amazing diploma I have hanging on my wall. ;-)

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