Red Flag #43: She has fake boobs…

The plain truth is that guys like boobs. They’re nice to look at, they’re fun to touch, and they’re great conversation pieces.  Most guys consider it a rite of passage to hook up with a girl with fake boobs and we’re quick to brag after our first silicone encounter.

So why on earth would we consider draping a red flag over your two fresh-from-the-factory friends? 

Well, first of all, our friends will never stop leering at you. Their girlfriends will never stop hating you. And the potential thought of our Dad constantly staring at your cleavage during Thanksgiving dinner has us waking up in a cold sweat.

We also have to consider how you paid for those things. Were they a birthday present from your parents? If so, that’s a red flag on your whole family. Or maybe they were bought by… an ex-boyfriend? An ex-boss? An ex-sugar daddy? Whatever the case, we dread the day we run into this guy and he asks us some awkward question about how we’re enjoying his “investment.”

Even if you paid for them yourself, we worry about your fragile psyche. You think your fake boobs say you’re a strong, independent woman, who took matters into her own hands. Instead we think you definitely have serious self-esteem issues that you thought would be solved by making your boobs bigger.

And so your fake melons sit proudly alongside tramp stamps, triple kisses, and tongue rings in the category of things that make us want to hook up with you, but prevent us from seriously dating you.

So, if you are thinking about getting fake boobs, the solution is easy. Don’t. Save your money and spend it on self-help books and therapy sessions to rescue your confidence.   

If you already have them, the situation obviously gets a lot trickier. Since your body has already been cut open, we’re not going to ask you to go through that again, but we also don’t want you constantly parading the twins around town. So if you want us to lower this red flag, you’re going to have to sacrifice fashion. Say goodbye to your baby t’s and deep v’s, because if you’re dating us, you’ll be wearing sports bras, cardigans, and crewnecks.

Hey, if you can’t remove a red flag, you might as well hide it.

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