Red Flag #41: She can only cook with an oven…

There she sits, across the table, a beautiful girl with seemingly all the qualities of a great catch. After we cover off on the basics, we get to the topic of food and naturally I ask: “So, can you cook?” Simple, straightforward question. With perked ears, I await a straightforward answer. Here’s what I get:

“Do I cook? Why, yes…I just LOVE to bake!”

Wait a second…did she even answer the question? Color me confused. If that’s her answer, I guess it’ll be cool if I answer “Do you like to take out the garbage?” with “Yeah, totally. I love to throw things in the garbage”. There’s a reason they call that spinning shelf in your kitchen cupboard a Lazy Susan. She too, was a baker.

There’s something about a life with Little Miss Easy Bake that is frightening. Maybe it’s because the thought of eating muffins for breakfast, brownies for lunch, and cookies for dinner is downright disgusting. I’d like to get fat on my own accord, thank you very much, and that will involve beer, inactivity, and way too many meatball subs from Subway. I can already see the monthly cupcake parties that you’ll host with your friends. Feel free to hand me the poisoned one, Wicked Witch, as I just don’t think I can take any more.

Editor’s Interruption: what is it about cupcakes that women love, anyway? It’s unreal. I’m not a Buddhist yet, but it’s currently in my consideration set just so I can believe in reincarnation and return in my next life as the Monk of Cupcakes. I’d just smile, hand out cupcakes, and give women instant foodgasms.

Watching a woman work a kitchen stove is one of the sexiest things in the world. Like a graceful gymnast, she delicately masters the triple-burner balancing act with unbelievable timing. Green beans on the back right. Mashed potatoes on the front right, next to a 12” pan filled with bite-sized chunks of juicy chicken simmering in a new sauce whose smell is so enticing it could almost feed me on its own. As she neatly spoons food onto my plate, all she will see is a plate of food. I, on the other hand, will see a masterpiece. And just when I think I have it made, here comes the real icing on top. Perfectly crisped dinner rolls, pulled out of the oven just in time to complement a meal made with love.

*BONUS: Regardless of your cooking abilities, here are three stove-made meals that every woman can use to win points with guys.

Stir-Fry – This is a no-brainer. Easy to make and satiates a guy’s need for protein. Just make sure there’s PLENTY of protein. We’ll never say to you “gee, there’s just too much meat in here!” If that happens, please exit the room immediately, change your Facebook relationship status to single and throw his clothes out the window. Red flag him and be on your way.

Spaghetti and Meatballs – Tap into that inner boy of your man and give him a sense of nostalgia. Lots of meatballs. Lots of sauce. Garlic bread MUST be included.

His Mom’s Recipe – It’s incredible to me that more women don’t do this. Get in touch with his Mom and ask for the recipe to one of his favorite childhood meals. DO NOT try to put your own spin on it. There may come a time for that, but messing with that recipe is like removing Simon and Paula from American Idol. No matter how much you think it’ll be better, it just won’t be the same.

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