Red Flag #33: She’s from Texas…

Women from Texas have a lot to be proud of.

They’ve perfected the mini-skirt with cowboy boots look, they don’t shy away from canned beer, and they always have an extra koozie waiting in their purse.

Partying is a way of life for Texas women and most guys would be envious of their average girls weekend. It usually involves stuffing eight women in a pop-up camper, driving to a janky campsite, and then spending the weekend floating down a river on an inflated tractor tire while getting wasted and being whistled at by thousands of rednecks.  

Throw in their southern hospitality and country accents and, needless to say, Texas women can be very charming the first time they wink and say, “howdy.” But wait. It’s when those initial charms start to fade that the red flags start to show up.

First off, they’re a little naïve and borderline ignorant. In their defense, it’s really not…their fault. After all, they grew up in a state that gives kids a day off from school for Rodeo Day and prioritizes state history classes over world geography. Texans think the last stand at the Alamo is more historically significant than the D-Day invasion of Normandy (if they even know what D-Day is), their governor thinks there’s something terribly wrong in this country because gays can serve openly in the military, and one of their favorite musicians, Toby Keith, has a song that extolls the virtues of a red Solo cup.

If you live north of the Red River, a Texas woman will call you a Damn Yankee and ask how you can stand to live “up there” with gas prices being so high and temperatures being so low – not to mention all the liberals. After asking if you voted for Obama (hint: say no), she will politely invite you to join her at her favorite restaurant which is a fast food place called Taco Cabana.  

While you’re at “Taco C”, as she calls it, you’ll learn that your Texan date is completely against public transportation. Not because of the tax expense, but because she thinks buses are for bums & weird dudes and trains are only to be ridden at amusement parks like Six Flags (which should only be attended sparingly because they are becoming too ghetto).  Instead of public transportation, she prefers to drive.EVERYWHERE.

And since she is a Texan of sufficient means, her car of choice will be an SUV with a bumper sticker supporting George Bush and a rear window decal supporting her favorite college. [1] [2]

And if the temperature ever drops below 50 degrees, you better believe she will drive that SUV from the garage to the mailbox. If the temperature drops below 40 degrees she will expect the entire city to shut down and she’ll panic that her “pipes might freeze.” If a guy is around when the temps drop, she’ll expect him to start a fire, make her some hot chocolate, and place blankets over all of her patio plants. If it snows, she’ll have a snowgasm and insist on making snow angels even though there is less than a tenth of an inch of snow on the ground.

If a guy is ready to jump ship at this point, he can just go ahead and give her some yellow snow and call it a lemon snow cone. They don’t get enough snow down there for her to have learned that lesson.

If a guy is going to stick with his red flag waving Texan, he better be prepared to learn how to two-step, skin a buck, and drive a dually F-150 pick up truck or his love life will be nonexistent.Because if you’re a guy and you don’t have a big pickup truck, you aren’t going to be getting much action in the Lone Star State, pardner. Texas women are instinctively attracted to men with pickup trucks. If the truck has impractically large tires, an unsightly grill, and a CB radio, then the guy who drives it will get laid fairly easily. Thus, all three of these foolish modifications are considered wise investments in Texas.

[1] Do not assume the George Bush bumper sticker means she actually votes, nor does the college  decal sticker mean she actually went to college.

[2]: Warning: If the rear window decal depicts a steer’s head with its horns sawed off, be careful. These are particularly ignorant Texans.

 

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