May 11, 2012 9:10 am

Red Flag #24: She wears a scarf when it’s warm outside

Red Flag #24: She wears a scarf when it's warm outside...There is no arguing that sometimes women make decisions that – to put it nicely – are completely idiotic and irrational. Paying hundreds of dollars for a purse; showering before going to the beach; and ordering a veggie burger with a side of fries would all qualify if we were making a list titled “Are you fucking serious?” Since our time is limited, we’ll address one of those decisions that is quickly rising in the ranks as a massive red flag.

Wearing a scarf when it’s warm outside.

Now, we appreciate the fact that fashion can, at times, fly in the face of common sense and still be OK. History is littered with examples. Adam’s Eve wore leaves that gave her Poison Ivy and were itchy as hell. Women in China had their feet bound, crushing their bones and deforming their feet. And for centuries, women in America wore corsets that would constrict their natural body movements and even cause organ damage.

The difference, though, is that when all of these fashion choices were made, there was consideration given for the opinions of men. After all, do you think Eve was just rocking the leaves for the hell of it? Of course not. She knew that the creation of man was dependent on her looking sexy, and if she didn’t cover up that triple nipple there was no way Adam was going to bang her.

And what about those Chinese women? Sure, having your bones shattered is less than cool, but you know what else is less than cool? Being single. And there is no way any self-respecting Chinese man wanted to be known as the dude who married Bigfoot.

Alright…now that we’re on the same page, consider the purpose of wearing a scarf when it’s warm outside…

…..

…..

Still thinking?

Exactly.

It’d be one thing if they made you more attractive. Instead, they make guys wonder about:

Your personality. Just how high maintenance are you? Wait, you’re not? Well there’s a much better chance that you’re the prissy, bitchy type than the chill, friendly type. Don’t hate on us for playing the odds.

The frequency of your selection of fashion over function. Is this an isolated instance, or does your need to be fashionable get in the way of this thing called life? You’re probably not the girl we take camping, or the one we bring to the music festival, but you probably DO take more than 30 minutes to get ready and get dressed up to go to the airport.

The rest of your closet. What else will we find you prancing around in? Logical reasoning points to the presence and frequent use of the following other red flag items:

The Green-Beaded Necklace

Green Necklace Red FlagHa, way to be original. These are the equivalent of when guys would wear Puka shells in college.

The Tory Burch Shoes

Red Flag Tory Burch

Whatever, we’re not looking at your shoes anyway.

The sunglasses as big as your head

Red Flag Sunglasses

These fucking things should be outlawed.

Rather than leave you hanging solo for the rest of your life, we want to help.

The easiest solution is to throw out all your scarves. Pack them up in a box and ship them off to a colder climate, like Canada.

Since this would also mean parting ways with the scarves that actually serve a purpose, that may not sit well with you. If that’s the case, take a look at the weather report prior to leaving the house. If it’s over 50 degrees, don’t even think about grabbing the scarf.

Lastly, if for some reason you refuse to limit your scarf-wearing, like you think it looks “cute”, you need to take matters into your own hands and see to it that guys are turned on, not turned off. You must use the scarf as a personal flirting device, luring in your prey with whatever lasso, towel butt-rub, or around-his-neck tactic that is most fitting to your personality. Now that you’ll be in complete control, you have a chance to be a hero. Do you want to be a hero? Well if you have the confidence, you’ll need to transition the luring into grabbing…the grabbing into getting out of the bar as quickly as humanly possible…and the getting out of the bar as quickly as humanly possible into removing your scarf, tying him to the bed posts, shutting off the lights, and showing him who’s the boss.

Do that, and you can wear whatever you want.

You decide: how red is this flag?
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  • Odin

    Girlfriend wears scarfs on warm days – but only after I spend the night.
    She likes biting, a lot. While I was cautious about giving her hickies, the things she does when I do, more than make up for my misgivings about men giving women hickies and the warm-weather-scarf-wearing.
    Though, had I met her, with her wearing a scarf during warm weather, I wouldn’t have given her a second thought.

  • autumn

    Excuse me? So, you mean to tell me that the way I dress should be for the sole purpose of finding men? Now, I agree that the trend is rather ridiculous, and impractical. This is the 21st century, women should not live to please a man. This is disgusting.

    • Your Mom

      Autumn….. You are, and Idiot.

      Red Flag #102 – Girls with No sense of Humor.

      • Your Mom

        an*

  • Saz

    So… Is a veggie burger with fries worse than a veggie burger on its own? I’m assuming a veggie burger is bad because… Not eating meat is bad? I guess? Genuinely curious here!

  • Aug

    Am i the only one willing to talk about scarves ? I’m a fan of Comtesse Sofia, does anyone know it ? (www.comtesse-sofia.com)

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