Red Flag #16: She pats her pizza down with a napkin…
First off, napkins self-destruct faster than a Congressman caught with a hooker. And you want to plop one of these clearly inferior products down on top of your cheesy, yummy pizza?
Pepperoni is a popular topping for pizza; paper isn’t. As you try to gently tap your pizza to soak up grease, you’re actually ruthlessly busting apart the pristine top layer of cheese on the pizza slice. Why not just go ahead and draw a smiley face on the forehead of the Mona Lisa while you’re at it?
Oh, and by the way, that napkin you’re smashing down on the food you’re about to eat is filled with chlorine dioxide. That means if we have kids together they will have an unusual number of one or more body parts. A more immediate threat is the pile of greasy and disgusting balled-up napkins that you’ll expect us to pick up and throw away. Because you’ll eventually go, “Ewwwwww, can you get rid of those, they’re groooooossssss!’
Then you will go on your deluded way, thinking that your attempt at removing .0000001% of the calories from the pizza is somehow related to actual dieting. Subconsciously you’ll give yourself permission to stop working out and start eating Ben & Jerry’s at midnight. Eventually, you will wonder why Kirstie Alley is staring back at you from your full-length mirror.
You are at the top of a very slippery slope. What’s next? Taking the bun off the burger? The icing off the cake? The Frosted off the Mini-Wheats?
If you are a chronic pizza-patter, there is hope. The easiest solution? Just eat the damn pizza. That teaspoon of oil you may or may not be soaking up is only worth about 40 calories. That means you’d have to pat down 88 slices to get rid of a pound of calories.
If you can’t bring yourself to not blot, then keep buying us pitchers of beer so we don’t notice the crime you’re perpetrating. Or at least, maybe we won’t remember it the next morning.
If you can’t handle us getting completely sloshed every time we have pizza together, then use the napkin a little differently. Write a secret message on it asking the guy in the kitchen to pre-blot the pizza before it comes out and slip it to the waiter.
What we don’t know won’t hurt us.
-
Jerilyn
