Red Flag #15: She still uses an email address from AOL, Yahoo, or Hotmail

There must be a mistake.

That’s the first thing we think when we get an email from jessica83@aol.com. This can’t be the same cute girl we were chatting with in line at the DMV last week, can it? This must be one of those pray-and-pass-along-or-go-to-hell chain emails from one of our Mom’s friends or something. There’s no way a single adult in her late 20s can think it’s acceptable to send emails from anything other than a Gmail account.

We understand the notion of loving vintage, or being old school, but that’s reserved for things that possess some sort of artistic quality. An AOL email address is not vintage, or old school, or artistic. It’s simply a red flag that helps us identify women who never figured out that the internet is free.

Technological ignorance can be bliss unless you’re single and trying to find a man to save you from the embarrassment of being a bachelorette in your 40s. Which is why a girl’s email address needs to end in “her company dot com” or “gmail dot com.” One says that she has a job, the other says that she has common sense. Anything else suggests that she’s way behind the times (or too lazy to catch up) and dating her will make us feel like we’re stuck in the ’90s.

Dating AOL girl will get sort of weird when she’s asking us to call her pager before we pick her up to go to Blockbuster (she needs a five minute warning to give her time to hairspray her bangs). We won’t have to worry about bringing tunes in the car because she’ll bring her New Kids on the Block cassette. Once we get back to her place to watch Ghost, we can use her phone book to find the number for Little Caesars pizza, and YES!, they take checks. Two medium cheese pizzas and two Clear Pepsi’s later, it’s time for dessert.

And by dessert, of course, we mean sex, and it’s going to be yummy because she just had a Clapper installed in her living room lamp and a diaphragm installed in her vagina. Unprotected missionary on a shag carpet never felt better. Wonder if she’ll let us tape it on her VHS recorder, because turning on that red “recording” light for our homemade vintage sex tape may be the only thing that could save her from getting this red flag.

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