There’s something to be said for having a good mixed drink. Whether it’s a Martini, a Margarita, or a Mojito doesn’t really matter. As long as you order it consistently and confidently, it gives you a memorable, defining quality, similar to a nickname. But there’s a time and a place for everything. Just as you’d never wear white pants to a Labor Day BBQ out of deference to fashion rules, so too should you be aware of the etiquette expected in sports bars, and likewise at sporting events.
Whether you’re watching a game in person or at a bar, there’s only one type of alcoholic beverage that should be in your hand – beer. This isn’t a time to be waltzing around carrying around a mixed drink in a dainty glass. Save it for another occasion.
Beer is extroverted, celebratory, and conversational – best for bars, cookouts, and, of course, watching sports. Wine, on the other hand, is romantic, brooding, and deep – best for fancy dinners and special occasions. Champagne is for New Years and for easy identification of sluts trying to look classy. Vodka sodas are for going out, making bad decisions, and feeling less guilty about yourself the next day since you were drinking lower-calorie drinks. Different types of alcohol are appropriate for different moods and occasions, and they send different kinds of signals.
Practically speaking, beer has relatively low alcohol content, which makes it perfect for keeping you conscious for the whole game. There’s no bigger buzzkill than having to drag you out of the bar while the game is still on because you got a little too aggressive with the cock-tails. If you actually make it through the whole game, we’re going to be annoyed because we had to spend $80 on your six specialty drinks when 95% of the bar was drinking the perfectly good $2 drafts that were available. Not to mention, it’s embarrassing to be the guy responsible for bringing “that girl” to the bar. We are supposed to be excited when our team scores a touchdown, but instead, we cringe at the sight and sound of your cosmo clanking against our friends’ pint glasses. Your high-fives probably suck, too.
For guys, drinking isn’t just a social activity we do with our friends – it’s an art form. Knowing what to order, and when, is akin to mastering all of your erotic pressure points, and we consider ourselves pros at both. We order scotch when we’re hanging with your pops, Prosecco when we’re having lunch with your mom, and beer when we’re in the presence of friends – especially when we’re watching a game. That’s just the way it is and we expect you to follow suit, even if it’s not your first choice.
Regardless of how you try to defend it, the root of the issue is that your lack of situational awareness is fueled by you being stuck in your own ways, unable to adapt to context, even if it’s the proper thing to do. This is a scary trait to notice, as we have no idea when it might pop up again. We don’t want to find ourselves embarrassed when on a trip to Europe when your refuse to adjust your harsh American tone and language, despite the fact we keep getting dirty looks from everyone around us. We don’t want to be stuck with the woman that avoids the convention of being a loyal sports fan as she leaves the game in the beginning of the 4th quarter…because she’s cold. And we most certainly don’t want to be with the chick that rocks a one-piece bathing suit to a Vegas pool party because she says she “just doesn’t like wearing bikinis”.
The truth is, sometimes in life you just need to suck it up. If you don’t like beer, grow up and find a taste for it. There are literally thousands of beers and we’re pretty sure with enough taste testing, time and tenacity (we’ll even help!), you’ll find one you can tolerate. Soon enough, you’ll not only be comfortable enough to order your own draft beer at the game, you’ll be the one suggesting that we all go in on the pitcher special. That’s the mark of a woman who will soon be off the market.Tweet